10-13-2013, 03:48 AM
Join Date: Sep 2013
Thank you LR
This speaks to me. So I wanted to save it here for reading again.
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
DISCLAIMER: ramblings may not pertain to you-I am thinking about my thoughts in regards to a half empty glass kind of person who is trying to figure out how to be happy in their life... Please feel free to skip this monologue! No need for replies unless the topic REALLY interests or moves you. All questions are rhetorical. For the whole post "you" means "half empty person who wants to find happiness.
I know "you" are trying to get a grasp on yourself, your life and your relationships. You seek that peace and happiness you see on my face when I'm not dealing with your drama.
I sympathise, I really do.
I just flat don't know how to help you.
Certain things one just has to DECIDE to do in life.
There isn't much anyone else can do or say to make it better until your choice is made and you start down the path of your choosing.
Deciding to roll with the punches and focus on the good things in life, not the bad.
Sure-I could have ended our relationship with you over all the little b.s. that went wrong.
But I chose to focus on all the little b.s that went right.
It's not like I'm in denial-I'm fully aware of what went wrong and I acknowledge and accept it for what it is. Hell I even use it when I'm trying to help others see a path through their own darkness.
But I don't FOCUS on it. It is what it is and it can't be changed, but not EVERYTHING was bad and not EVERYTHING went wrong.
You talk like our whole relationship has been a disaster because I fell in love with someone else.
But I never fell out of love with you. Not for one second in a random single minute of a short single hour of an unmemorably boring single day, in that stupid week we forgot about, that random year of our decade+ together.
I fell in love with someone else as well. I needed support through some of that negative b.s. But I didn't leave and though I didn't do it all quite right-I stuck by you and pushed myself to keep growing and learning so I could continue to do it better with each passing day.
Should we should take a paper and a pen, make a list called "all you did wrong vs all I did wrong" and see who can make the longest list? Will it help to drag ourself through each hurtful memory? Will it give you peace?
How will we identify which things are worse?
How do we decide if the item on one side is equal to the item on the other?
Where does one draw the line?
Do you just take it item for item regardless of how damaging something was?
Then how does one identify what WAS most damaging?
The problem is that what is severely damaging to you may only be mildly damaging to me and vice versa.... So how will we keep this straight? It's your list, maybe you should make the rules.
But may I make a simple request?
When this list of wrongs done between us two-can we also make a list of all the little things that I did right vs the ones you did too?
Can our list include every single tiny thing, no matter how miniscule?
Then can we take your list and compare it to mine and see if there is just cause for you to feel that all we've had is so invaluable that it's worth pouring that glass down the proverbial drain?
You see my love-I see the glass as half full. I look upon your heartbroken, frightened face and even when I'm so damn mad I want to scream, I see your precious heart.
I see it glowing in your face and feel a longing once again to join it with mine.
You feel threatened and fearful, like maybe you are missing some key piece of me.You figure if I give my love to another then I must have less when I come to you.
You say "X gets what X wants and you get what you want but I only get what's left over."
Is that really how it is? Because somehow it doesn't feel like that at all to me. I guess we're not acting in the same movie or hearing the same song.
He holds me in his arms telling me he loves me, reassuring me that all will be well and holding my Hyde at bay.
He brainstorms how to help your every minute problem when he could be immersed in play.
He spends his days creating the peace that means so much to you when you come home at the end of the day.
He spends his life devoted to loving you though you refuse to love him too.
He's given up his world to be the one who can make me the woman you need me to be....
So what exactly is it that you think you lost? I fear you have it backwards in your beautiful little head my love, because the truth is that he gives you all he's found in life, he doesn't take anything away. I have so much more to give you because he's there to carry some of the load.
That cup my dear is precious to me and if it matters not to you because you think it's half empty-then maybe it's me who is only getting "what's left".
But what's left is a treasure to me and I'll take what's left, please don't throw it away.
You can look for a lifetime for the glass you want that's full.
This half-full glass is exactly what I want and need
I'll keep it if you please!
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi
In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.