Originally Posted by wallabytron
We have a great marriage and get along very well, we've never really had any issues and we're both very upfront and honest. When we first opened up our relationship everything was going great, I was meeting people (though no one who really wanted a relationship) and she was having a good time talking to a older coworker who lived abroad. That was a few months ago.
... We're both attractive and have no problems talking to new people, it's just not the same being a married guy looking for a girlfriend. I read this over and over before we started being poly, only half believing it, but I've found that the odds are very much against me finding someone to date as a married poly guy. It's not my wife's fault, men tend to overlook relational commitments far more than women do (it seems) but I'm finding it hard to not get down—not because she's with someone, but because I can't seem to find... anyone.
In most of my circles more than a few people know that I'm married and mention my wife in casual conversation. I find this extremely challenging as it seems to ruin my chances of meeting new people when I'm out, I'm always spoken of as "taken" and it's hard not to appear the sleazeball acting otherwise. Online, mainly OKC, I tend to run into the same problem, no women really want to get involved with a married guy. I understand this, and I've read enough on here to know that I should be looking for poly folks but there's only a few of them and I'm not interested in any of them—I'm sure I can't be the only one.
So, where I am today is wondering if living as a single poly person, no longer sharing a house together and living separately but still having a relationship is something anyone else has done? I don't want to bring dates back to the house we share and I'm finding that showing up at bars with friends as the "married guy" just isn't practical in meeting people.
Why did you decide to open your marriage?
Why do you want to date someone? I understand changing a marriage to a poly structure when somebody falls in love with another person, but I have never understood the conscious decision to go out and look for another person to fall in love with
when already committed to someone. Is it that you miss the excitement of fresh, new infatuation but don't want to lose the safety net of a home base?
I'm not clear on your intent: to divorce your wife and live as a single man while still seeing her, or to simply get your own love nest to bring women home to so you can pretend to them that you're single?
Is getting that really important enough to you to divorce your wife? How do you think a new woman would feel if she gets involved with you, thinking of you as an unmarried man living in his own house, only to find out that you were married, divorced and moved into your own home so you could appear single in order to get women, but still regarded yourself as married to your sort of ex wife? Knowing only that much--if I have that right--I'd be furious with someone if I found that out. I'd feel like I'd been lured into a trap and deceived.
Or do you plan to be upfront with other women that you divorced and got your own place, in order to get women, but are in a permanent relationship with your wife?
Would you consider yourself available to marry someone else, but would expect her to understand you'll continue dating your wife?
What are your wife's thoughts on this? What will you be explaining to family and friends as to why you divorced? Or, better yet, why you're still married, but living in your own home. If picking up women in front of your friends is going to come across as sleazy, how do you think setting up in your own house so you can pose as single to get women is going to come across?
According to what I read here right now--and I say this in the spirit of help, not as an attack--regardless of how good-looking you are, or how great at talking to people, even if you're magnificently wealthy to boot, I wouldn't date you, because you seem very stuck on what you
want, as if you're out looking for a new toy. You seem a little petulant, saying yes, you GET why a woman would have no interest in dating a married man, but, but, BUT....you waaaaaant
a girlfriend, and you don't liiiiiike
any of those poly types, you want the girlfriends off thaaaaaaat
shelf. (Get it for me Deddy, I WUHNT it!)
You seem to come very close to the attitude that you're so good-looking and well-spoken that women should fall all over themselves to date you, and just ignore this pesky little Being Married-Probably Very Little Chance of Marriage here.
In short, it seems as if this whole dating thing is a fun hobby for you and your wife, and the problem with that is, other people, unlike your new golf clubs, cannot be stuck back in the closet when you're through with them, or want to do a puzzle instead.