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Old 10-12-2013, 02:26 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
Some of the problems for me moving into this is that, for lack of a better word, the rules keep changing.
Being your first go at it, I'm not surprised that the goal posts are shifting around. It seems reasonable to expect that how you envisioned this working out in theory will look different then how it actually plays out.

I don't function with rules on how I can behave (you have to pay me for that) but I understand that many people do. I suggest taking a look at what rules you have in place and whittle them down to the most absolutely essential. Which are the rules that are in place to keep you from real harm? I'd say if any of *those* rules get broken then speak up and say it like you mean it.

Otherwise, chasing him around with the tedium of rules is probably going to fall on deaf ears - certainly while he's got some NRE pumping.

Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
But, each time he has done some stupid little lack of respect thing that really gets to me - for example being late without telling me (and then saying it was because she didn't tell him what time it is).
This rule, for example. What was the explicit agreement you had about when he was to return? Was it that he needed to come home when the street lights came on?

Rules to sate your personal comfort might seem like a good idea at the time, but restricting someones behavior is bound to breed resentment and rebellion. Most people don't like being told what to do with their personal lives and this includes lovers.

It's good to look at your initial expectations and rules and give them a critical and adult look. Don't let pride or fear get in the way of making reasonable changes to your expectations and resulting "rules".

Originally Posted by Ihq View Post
I have asked him to take (particularly the emotional aspect) of this new relationship slowly so that I can get my balance and be okay. I am aware that for this to work, I have to catch my breath with all these changes.
Some people don't get caught up in NRE and can function just fine while experiencing it. I find this to be true with people who have experienced it many times in their life so it is not a misconception of "I've never felt this way before" ... because they have so many times. For people who have only had a couple of loves, NRE can be pretty much crippling because they allow themselves to be tricked into thinking it's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

"Take it slow" might seem like a perfectly reasonable request from your perspective, but you might be trying to explain how to set the clock on the VCR to a guy who dropped too much X. There's no harm in saying it, if it's something important to you, but if your expectation is for him to snap out of it and be perfectly rational then you might need to revisit your expectation.

You'll note that pretty much everything you talked about was concerning him, and everything I've talked about is mainly about you. This is the big shift that will help you grow in polyamory (and relationships in general). It's important to realize that we are the masters of our own destiny; that our feelings and actions are entirely of our own design and responsibility. So focus on changing *your* actions in order to grow and mature instead of changing *his* actions to facilitate your growth.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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