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Old 10-12-2013, 01:11 PM
Ihq Ihq is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 3
Default Looking for advice/perspective

We are very new to the polyamorous world.

We have been together for 8 years, married for 6 of those. In complete honesty, we have dealt with a ton of jealousy and controlling behavior on both our parts in the past, but seemed to get ahead of that in the last couple years.

Recently we started talking about poly as an option for us. I probably even lead the discussion. After some discussion we decided that we were going to give this a try.

Now there seems to be several roadblocks, at least for me right now, and I am having a hard time working towards this.

Some of the problems for me moving into this is that, for lack of a better word, the rules keep changing. Originally he just wanted me to date girls - and this kind of worked because he was talking about wanting us to find a person to love together. We do know that this is not always possible, and often not even probable. He was not sure how comfortable I was with sleeping with guys.

In the change of moving from one spectrum to the other, he found a girl. Which is fine. And when I really think about it, I am happy for him. In many ways it was good, because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to find someone else. And, just because, I knew it would stress him out if I was dating someone and he wasn't. But, in all these changes of what we wanted they seemed to be changing to match the relationship he wants with this girl. Which is honestly, almost opposed to what I wanted, but I am still trying to work with it.

The relationship with her is brand new. They have exchanged emails for about 3 weeks and gone on two dates. During the dates, I actually have found that I have no issues. I am not worried or upset or anything like that. But, each time he has done some stupid little lack of respect thing that really gets to me - for example being late without telling me (and then saying it was because she didn't tell him what time it is).

I have some issues with her, I think. And I don't know if those issues I have with her are her, or because I am frustrated with him.

The end result to all this is me feeling extremely vulnerable and hurt. I have asked him to take (particularly the emotional aspect) of this new relationship slowly so that I can get my balance and be okay. I am aware that for this to work, I have to catch my breath with all these changes. But the NRE he is feeling is not allowing for that. I am so afraid that if I can't get balanced with this, that I am not going to be able to do this, and this in the end will end up hurting not only us, but her as well.

Any thoughts, perspective or advice would be greatly appreciated.
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