A big topic I've been wrestling with for a while is how my life decisions relationship-wise relate to my family, and family friends.
I'm currently visiting my parents in their home country (Asia). There's a lot of love and support here, but no concept of how to connect with behaviour that breaks social norms. Almost as if people's childlike minds have no words for things which transgress conventions. The different must be wrong.
Perhaps an unfair cariacature, but it summarises how things are from my perspective.
For a while, I had been thinking of strategies of how to tell my parents that I'm not monogamous, and that I'm open to having kids with people who are not my husband. In fact, that if at all I have kids, it will most likely not be with Ocean.
More recently I've been feeling that I should just live my life with conviction, and not fret about explicit conversations. If they bring things up, I'll deal with it then. I'm not sure if that's entirely the right approach for a pregnancy, but on the other hand... I just don't know how to do this any other way.
I've tried to have conversations with my brothers about this stuff, but it hasn't gone down well. No one who doesn't understand your perspective can give you permission or acceptance to do something that goes against their own values, right? Unless they deeply empathise... and there's not much you can do to make someone else empathise with you, maybe.
Having a kid with Grotto (or Lobe, or whoever else "not Ocean") would be a massive scandal. Am I willing to go there? Lobe jokingly said that a baby would be the "most obvious and irreversible manifestation" of our relationships. By the way, because of racial backgrounds, there'd be no way of pretending that any kid that I have with Grotto/Lobe was Ocean's. (Not that I'd want to pretend, but I've had this suggested to me).
Some who have managed to follow my convoluted tale on here may notice that Lobe is getting lumped in with Grotto when it comes to potentially having babies. Yeah... so... turns out that Lobe is real "mate"-y right now. And turns out that I don't seem to mind so much (WHAT? I properly know this dude less than six months.) Meanwhile Grotto is having these love fantasies about having kids and not caring who the dad is, holding my hand while Lobe fucks me, etc etc. It's all very woah. Because of the long-distance, I haven't properly processed this stuff with Grotto. How serious this is, how practical this is. And on the other side of it, Lobe and I have been awash with sex chemicals, and we need time to simmer down from this and take stock of what we want from each other, as well. Enforced space because of long-distance with Lobe will be good for this.
Lobe's open to being a stay-at-home single dad, and knows what this means, more than me I think, because of having to take care of siblings growing up. Grotto is too (but hasn't had much experience with what this actually entails.)
Why would I want to go here, when I know it will be impossible to reconcile with my family and family friends? It's a close-knit tapestry I'd be slashing. I have no illusions about this.
But they can't live my life for me. This is something I want. I want to make a family. Or at least be open to it. If it happens, I have the support of people who both love me and understand me to help me through the painful path of burning bridges with those who love me but will hate what I'm doing.
If I'm scandalous, so be it.
Last edited by fuchka; 10-12-2013 at 02:09 AM.