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Old 10-11-2013, 11:30 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Yesterday had the first day since the breakup that Seven and I were home the whole day by ourselves. He was off work and I had to take a sick day because I got hit with a bout of vertigo (and then medication to counteract it slept me out for a few hours).

Was a little awkward but not as bad as either of us thought. We spent some time working on trying to figure out where a friendship line is.

Had a couple of conversations (well same conversation with a small break between walking the dog and going to get some food stuff for the night) about how things have been for us over this past month (and particularly with that day). I confronted him a little with what Lamian said and his reply was the same as what I had first thought (and what Woodsmith's reply was when I told him). That while he never flat out told her in direct words we hadn't hidden that we were having sex (and I was someone that she had given him in the past the okay for sleeping with). We were very affectionate towards each other and I was going over there once a week to spend the night so while yes she wasn't directly told some of it was also choosing to ignore it (again he probably didn't think he needed to tell her in direct terms since she had given him a green light earlier, I was on his yes list for sexual activity). The same somewhat applied with the comments of feelings, we'd talk about how we felt about each other (giving I love you's and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend) when she was around. I did mention that I was disappointed and hurt that I was used as an unwitting accomplice to his hurting her.

I also told him that I've gotten to the point that I'm no longer holding out hope anymore for the two of us to be together. He mentioned he's not at that point yet. I explained why, especially in relation to what had happened to Lamain, and that I know there would have to be a lot of work done and changes made for a lot of us in order for it to work. That while I would love it as a pleasant surprise, I needed to stop holding out hope because if it doesn't happen and I still have that hope then I'm going to end up in the same heartbroken state I've been for a while without having made any emotional progress.

On the way back from the store we also talked a little about why he thinks his and mine relationship was so difficult for Lamian and Peaseblossom. The two of them were cut from a very similar cloth. They carry themselves the same way, express emotions similarly, have very similar staunch views on various topics (including the idea of a power exchange as it deals with feminism of just setting it back). I am completely different fabric than either of them. Peaseblossom could never understand why Seven was with me because I wasn't like her and Lamian. Lamian had difficulty not only with trying to understand how important that power dynamic thing is for Seven (because he's always had a drive for a position of authority with someone in a relationship but when he was younger it came out as anger and aggression), figure out what role she has in his life since that isn't her, and the fact I was the first girl (even in just a sexual aspect) who was from such a different fabric than her (aspects that she thought he would always hold nothing but disdain for but cherished me with them and the process of helping me through them).

I still don't know where things will go. I still don't know where I want them to go. If it can be done healthy I know I want to try again, but only if things are different and it can be done in a much healthier and ethical way. Otherwise I want to keep him as my best friend and confidant, which a part of yesterday was spent on working on.

CHANGE OF TOPIC:

Tonight Woodsmith and I are going to our first kink event. It's a munch for one of the kink groups here. Partly to get him introduced to the scene (and possibly figure out what he would want in a partner) and partly to get me meeting other people who are either submissives or dominants to make friends with. I know I'm not looking for ANYTHING relationship wise for at least 6 months.

I'm a little apprehensive about this. Mostly on how Woodsmith is going to act. We stopped anything related to even bedroom kink before I took ill with my depression last October. Neither of us were getting anything really out of it. He had fun playing in the concept of the bedroom but didn't know what to do and had zero interest in anything outside of. He has always wanted a fighting bottom. I went through the motions for him but since he was never into it I never was able to and honestly now I get physically ill at the thought of doing anything play with him. But I think he's going to try and convince me to wear the collar we got when we first started thinking it and I'm going to have to tell him no because he isn't my dom in any way and I am no where near his sub and will not pretend to be so.

Tomorrow I'm going to a burn in my city. Only burn I'm getting to this year and the first burn I'd be going to without Seven.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
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