State of the union: marriage or... other?
I've been a lurker on here for over a year and wanted first to say thanks for all the great and honest content, it's been a terrific resource.
My wife and I opened our marriage of 6+ years back in March and so far the whole experience has been a roller coaster of emotions culminating into what's going on today. It's not been bad, per se, but definitely not what we've expected.
Long story short, we were raised very religious and only in the last two years or so have we broken away from that. By religious I mean I almost became and pastor and we both worked at churches; a lot has changed.
We have a great marriage and get along very well, we've never really had any issues and we're both very upfront and honest. When we first opened up our relationship everything was going great, I was meeting people (though no one who really wanted a relationship) and she was having a good time talking to a older coworker who lived abroad. That was a few months ago.
Today, she and him have an ongoing relationship. He's back in town and they hang out a few times a week and she sleeps over there one night a week. It's been rough at times but I haven't been too terrible about any insecurities or loneliness I've had, but I have "changed" as she puts it. We're both attractive and have no problems talking to new people, it's just not the same being a married guy looking for a girlfriend. I read this over and over before we started being poly, only half believing it, but I've found that the odds are very much against me finding someone to date as a married poly guy. It's not my wife's fault, men tend to overlook relational commitments far more than women do (it seems) but I'm finding it hard to not get down—not because she's with someone, but because I can't seem to find... anyone.
In most of my circles more than a few people know that I'm married and mention my wife in casual conversation. I find this extremely challenging as it seems to ruin my chances of meeting new people when I'm out, I'm always spoken of as "taken" and it's hard not to appear the sleazeball acting otherwise. Online, mainly OKC, I tend to run into the same problem, no women really want to get involved with a married guy. I understand this, and I've read enough on here to know that I should be looking for poly folks but there's only a few of them and I'm not interested in any of them—I'm sure I can't be the only one.
So, where I am today is wondering if living as a single poly person, no longer sharing a house together and living separately but still having a relationship is something anyone else has done? I don't want to bring dates back to the house we share and I'm finding that showing up at bars with friends as the "married guy" just isn't practical in meeting people.
Maybe I'm jumping the shark here, but I'm just not finding polyamory any fun when I feel more cuckolded than free to be an individual. Any thoughts?