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Old 10-11-2013, 06:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,262

Could focus on the reassuring and not on the pursuit.

She's clearly not READY at this time. Not entirely WILLING. Not entirely ABLE.

You could tell her you want to be friends, and if she's ever ready, willing AND able to grow it to a romance as well? To let you know.

There is nothing you can do on your end of things other than declare you own (ready, willing, and able) and then let her own her part of the equation and back off. Rushing her won't help. Rushing her is not friendly behavior toward your friend.

YOU feel anxious/excited/want to get on with it. That doesn't mean everyone else is.

When you have to struggle like this to build one V? Where you are the hinge?
  • DH + (you) + friend

And your friend feels this fearful,. anxious and stressy? How would you wanting to pile on two more V's on there help TAKE AWAY from your friend's stress? Now it's having to build 3 v's all at the same time!
  • DH + (you) + friend
  • you + (DH) + friend
  • You + (friend) + DH

Slow yourself down.

I know it sounds like she may not be interested in polyamory, and I'm prepared to consider that. But every time we're together, we get more intimate. She keeps encouraging me, and then shooting me down, and I'm certain it's because she's afraid of jumping into this and not having it work out.
And if she's crossing the friendship line with mixed messages? Making it hard for you to back off? Call her on it and tell her to back up because you want to be able to keep yourself in the right frame of mind.

Both of you helping BOTH of you keep it in the friend bucket for now. Not all parties are ready, willing, and able.

Because chasing something before all are ready? That's not giving yourselves the best starting point you could give yourselves if you DID want to grow something bigger.

If it is in the cards, could choose to grow it well rather than all wonky. You, your spouse, and your friend deserve the best, right? Not half baked stuff?

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