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Old 03-07-2010, 04:57 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
(How much you charge an hour for therapy? I'm in! <LOL>).
$5/hour...but I type slow. So the $800 bill for the last post is in the mail.


Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
I think K. has this under control, but I know from some of the things she and S. chatted about online that he's gotta be right at the boiling point. As a fellow sufferer of the male condition I can imaging what he's going thru:
If K has this under control, then I'd suggest trusting her to keep it under control. It's possible though that regardless of what you view of drive-by-sex is, it's possible a partner might have a differing view. Not sure there'd be much to do other than talk about it and see how K views it.

As for the male condition. I recall a saying that a man can live without Air for minutes, water for days, food for weeks, and answers forever. Guess what time scale sex fits into?

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Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
As it stands right now K. is good with "let's wait and see what happens". I really think that S. has to get his own affairs in order [pun intended] before even a meet and greet should happen. I also think the meet and greet should include S.'s wife. Is this too restrictive? For me the sine qua non for open relationships is honesty and communication; seems like this should include all affected parties.
Interesting idea. I've seen some who definitely would advocate such, and some insist on it so as to know that they aren't inadvertently condoning cheating. Has anyone other than S actually talked with the wife to see if she knows that he's been let off the leash? Does she actually want to know about any of it?

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Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
Then last week I had an eye-popping experience: I tripped over the work "compersion"
I was really glad that GS brought that one up too. For some reason I keep forgetting to mention it. I should stamp it on my forehead or something to keep it in mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
So, why am I jealous of S.? Because I don't want to share K.'s love or time. I want them all for myself - mine, mine mine! (Well, T.'s and mine, that's OK. I am the interloper after all so I have to make some concessions.) And yet, the rational part of my mind knows that emotions are NOT a finite quantity, and love is not a zero-sum game: giving love to one person does not necessarily mean you're taking away love from somebody else. This is, however, the prevailing understading of love in the Western world.
Poly is not the prevailing practice. The Ethical Slut spent quite some time in commentary about the scripts that we learn though society. The patterns we've learned about how people are supposed to act with love. It's in the movies, books, music, neighbors, played out on the school field.
You're rational mind is starting to make the leap to break from those patterns. It'll take some time, but you can take the rest of you with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
Time is another matter, because far-out quantum physics notwithstanding, our human experience of time is finite. Any time K. would spend with S. would be time away from both T. and me. That's a solid fact. So could I handle K. being off alone with S. while I sit on the couch and throw tennis balls for the dogs? That's a real tough nut for me.
Does it really take from you? Do the three of you spend 24/7 of your waking time together? Is she always with you and T? Does K never take time for K?

You're absolutely right that time is precious, and our alloted amount is finite. For me, I'm required to spend a lot of time away from home, and my wife has some extracurricular activities that keep her really busy too. I could worry about loosing what little time I have with her to another partner, but I don't. I have enough to do between kids, hobbies, housework (If you read this dear, stop laughing! ) etc etc. Time isn't the problem we run into. Loss of connection is. Our solution to that so far has been to make sure what time we do have together is used to keep connected. Especially after a long absence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
My head is starting to hurt from all this introspection so I'll close this posting by thanking everybody once again for their replies and their help.
Get some Tylenol then...there's still a lot of introspection to go. Keep trucking buddy. And Communicate. You'll get there.
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