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Old 10-10-2013, 10:55 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,716

Part of my break down this spring was due to the amount of activities and relationships I took on. I had four partners that all had lives, challenges, issues, changes and plans that involved me on many levels. I am not the sort of person to sit on the side line of people's lives. I am either in it or not. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground that keeps me present and connected with those I love. To me the line of how much I could handle was pushed right to the limit as a result. I had just enough room to maintain what was going on with everyone as is and nothing more. Even that was becoming too much.

I understand now that I created a situation for myself and therefore my partners that meant if they made any move toward change or difference in my day to day understanding of where we were at then I would bust. And bust I did. It was completely unfair to them and unreasonable to expect them to remain as is for my benefit and yet I needed them to in order to not lose my balance and explode apart. I knew this for years. I even talked about balancing my plates here knowing that the topple would be great if anything unforeseen ever occurred. Well many unforeseen situations occurred and my life balance completely toppled as a result. I dropped the plates, I dropped my ability to cope. I felt foolish and unfit to be poly. I was shocked at how desperately I needed to gain control even though I knew that other people's lives are not mine to control. I knew that in my heart and yet felt I needed to plead for some semblence of control. I am building again with some new protocols and procedures for myself.

People come with all sorts of the same things I come with. We are all complicated. I knew this going into many relationships at once. I loved that about my partners and everyone I meet. I loved it so much I believed I could surround myself with it and make it my life. I did for a long time. I'm proud of that. Now I understand that my complications and a few others are enough because huge situations and issues come up that are bigger than anyone could imagine. I have to be able to handle anything life hands me and I have to pull myself together in order to do that. Being fragmented and barely coping is not good enough for my liking.

My dad had another stroke this summer. He's fine. I was able to be there and be together when he and my mum and brother needed me to be. I was glad and proud to be there as a full whole RP. Not the barely together version they would of had if I hadn't of made the choices I have. Simplicity is my friend these days.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-10-2013 at 11:04 PM.
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