Originally Posted by DillWill
............We had set rules and a lot of communication. Then she decided that she was uncomfortable with me alone with other women, but that we could have threesomes. We tried this too, and she enjoyed it immensely. However I dont. I word it like this, when we are in a threesome situation I feel like I have to be a different person, I have to be careful not to pay more attention to the other woman, I have to be careful not to enjoy it too much, I have to be someone other than who I would be if it were just me and the other woman. I rationalize it as being that we express other parts of ourselves when with others, that the dynamics between couples cannot be expected to be the same for every configuration.
First let me remind you of something you undoubtedly already know.
Polyamory is half philosophical and half practical. (someone may dispute the %s lol) It's easy to read, study, analyze our natures to see if/how it fits. It's quite another thing to practice it.
I relate TOTALLY to what you have discovered in the 3sum situation. I suspect everyone who has had much involvement in that config has experienced the same thing.
But another old adage. Walk before we run !
It's new. You don't get it all right (usually) first time out of the gate. I CAN assure you that it is entirely possible to reach a point where it does flow naturally. Nothing needs be held back. Competition for resources/attention CAN go away.
I'm not saying that some private time with each lover is undesirable/unnecessary but it's something you should build up to - not push too hard for right in the beginning. We're all human and different people have different levels of insecurities etc. Be kind. Be gentle. And be PATIENT ! All good things can cum in time once a level of trust and connection are established.
Make sense ?
Originally Posted by DillWill
I'm beginning to feel that the wife treats these situations like a carrot to placate me in our marriage, and this idea is heartbreaking.
Ahhhh, see now this is on the line of confrontational.
It's what you FEEL. What you FEEL may or may not have much basis in fact. Assume otherwise until you have proven beyoind a shadow of a doubt it's the case.
Because it's much more likely she's really just a bit insecure about how things might develop if she didn't have her finger on the control lever (present). It's NATURAL ! Don't condemn her for it. If the situation were reversed likely you would have many of the same butterflies.
And I like to call them that. Butterflies. The kind of feeling we get whenever we find ourselves in a situation were outcomes may be unknown and there is some risk involved. If we didn't have them something would be wrong with us !
And the only way to disperse the butterflies is to live through the experience. So you move as slowly as possible & comfortable at first and then (hopefully) both look back and say "hey - that wasn't as bad as we thought" !
So, take it easy. Don't make something that can be wonderful into something ugly. Rome wasn't built in a day they say.
Good luck - stay in touch.