View Single Post
  #2  
Old 03-06-2010, 03:39 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,948
Default

First of all, welcome to the forum.

I'm pretty sure someone else will have some advice for you, as I'm not as good at that. I usually don't have nearly as many answers as I have questions. However, I think you probably have the answers already, if you ask the questions in a different way or another order.

What is most important to you and your relationship with K?
Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
I want her to have whatever she wants, especially because with MS the clock is ticking a bit faster for her than for the rest of us - you get just so many springs and summers in this life.
Is this really what you want? The rest of the questions will proceed on the premise that this is what you really want....mostly because I don't think you'd be here asking for advice if you wanted to shut down the possibilities for K. So if this is what you want, the rest basically comes down to what's stopping you?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
Jealousy, betrayal, fear - the unholy triumvirate of negative emotions. It was awful for me, and my reaction made her feel terrible.
Yep, that'd be an obstacle. So where does this come from? What are you afraid of? Why are you jealous? You make no mention of any jealousy issues wrt T. Why would this come up specifically with S?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
I might be able to get my head around the whole idea of her with S., but I'm scared senseless. I'd be willing to try to get to know S. in hopes of working thru my own fears, but what I really want is to keep K. all for just T. and me. Help!
Fear can be a very effective paralyzer...if permitted to run free...and that can include it's effect on the parts of our brains responsible for rational decision making. From what you have said in your post, I get the impression that rationally you don't have any concerns about S in terms of him being some kind of bad influence or hurtful douchebag or anything like that. So the fear is from somewhere else, somewhere emotional and irrational maybe? Old habits? Past experiences?. The future? Change? The unknown?

As for keeping K to you and T...what purpose would that serve? Is she someone to be kept? Does that really make sense? Does that help you towards what you said you wanted above?

One of the things I had to do for myself during my own process of opening up was reconcile my fears regarding my wife possibly being with another man. When we started looking at dating people separately I had some long standing and indoctrinated hangups about her being able to date men. I had no issues with her being with women...but I had to do some soul searching and reorganizing internally to sort that out. I had to ask myself a lot of these questions. Why was I afraid of her being with a man, but not a woman? If I wasn't afraid of her love/relationship/intimacy with a woman, what happened if it was a man instead? So What?
Eventually, when I really thought about...and got around the programming instilled since childhood from society...the answer was 'So What Nothing'.

So, where does the fear come from? Does it make sense? So what?
Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
T. is her husband and she will always come home to him. I worry that she's gotten bored with me and is looking for the thrill of something new.
Why do you worry about this? Why would she automatically come home to him and not to you? You've been together for 2 years already. She has love for the two of you...why not 3? If loving you doesn't stop her love for T, why would love for S threated her love for you? Love may even be a strong word wrt S, since you describe the intentions between K and S as a 'Romp'. But even if it was more than just sex, So what?

So, why wouldn't she come home to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by HowDidIGetHere View Post
Hell, we've even been looking at houses to buy together!
To me, this is a pretty big tell in your story. If you're looking at buying houses together, then I would think K and T are pretty serious about you. This is a big flashing neon sign saying that they want you to stick around. That if she's coming home to her husband, she's coming home to you too. It's an over-sized bug zapper that should be able to toast those little moths of doubt and fear before they eat you from the inside out.

I hope something in there made sense. If you answer some of those for yourself, I hope you'll find yourself a step closer to your goal...being able to let K have what she wants, and give yourself the inner peace to let her go do so without fear or reservation.
Cheers.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote