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Old 10-10-2013, 09:42 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Yes I live with PN still, Mono and LB. We all raise LB, support one another, make plans together and are family. Not much has changed for me and PN other than neither of us prioritise each other in social plans or for dates. For Mono the change has been bigger. In his head that is. He feels responsible for me now. There is no need but he seems to think I expect it. I keep reminding him that my priority is me first and that the whole reason I made the changes I did was to be able to do that.

Mono agreed to exclusivity when I asked for it. He hadn't ventured far from that anyway. It was more about what could be in the relationships he had. We are both fine with that for now. It's increased our closeness and desire for one another I think but also made us both relax and indulge in the safety we feel to ask and fulfill for each other and ourselves whatever we want. Talk about hot! Whew. I see little reason at this time in adding to my sex and romantic life when we seem to be on a second honey moon in many ways.

Mono seems hell bent on doing what he believes is right in order to prove his trustworthiness and integrity is again intact. I am doing my best to give him the space he requires and trust him. I doubt I ever fully will again but the more I work on loving myself and putting myself back together, the less it matters and the less I care. If he fucks up and goes behind my back again then I will leave and I will be fine. I have a plan and I will love again. For now I am free having given him my forgiveness and trust. It was a huge moment to be able to say that and feel it. In return I am not cluttering my life up with lovely people who deserve much more than I could ever give. I give mostly to him and love that I have been given the chance to have what we have just us two. It might end one day but I wanted my time with him alone and I am getting it.

No PN isn't seeing anyone. I hope he finds someone but he he will in his own time and when he finds the right person. For now we are all settling.

I have been poly now since I was 25. I'm 43 now. Or at least identified as non-monogamous. I don't think I entered into poly due to low self esteem. I had and have plenty of self esteem. People don't always practice poly due to low self esteem. There are many reasons to practice poly. People do it because it fits their lives in the moment.

I fragmented over years and became un-whole due to my poly practice, among other reasons. It grew inside me, due to years of "taking care" of partners, becoming too busy, my work as a care giver, having a child etc. I lost touch with the basics of who I am and where I am going personally. In the end I was unable to cope. A huge change was needed in order to bring the fragments together so I can fully love myself again.

Mono was unable, I believe, to ask for me to be monogamous ever. I don't think he ever felt he could ask or insist on monogamy as I don't think he felt worthy or justified in having my full attention. After years of being around poly people he decided to try it out as an alternative to believing he could be monogamous with me or anyone. He has a load of work on himself to do also and now we have the space and safety to do it because of our arrangement. He has said he is happy with our lives now and if you look at his pictures he looks content and relaxed...happy.

The muddle of sorting out the details of poly never worked for him. He doesn't like to rock the boat and was very concern about how his actions effected me. His idea of having a don't ask don't tell open relationship was a way for us to pull away from each other and date without being too involved with others or our relationship. Our love was too big for that. If he dated again we would have a don't ask don't tell open relationship. To me there would be little point in continuing together if that happened as I might as well be on my own as a single poly person and be his friend. Neither of us are interested in squelching our love to accommodate a dating lifestyle such as what I describe. It just isn't the time right now.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-11-2013 at 01:43 AM.
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