When my relationship with my ex became a triad including Kuroi, Kuroi experienced NRE for the first time in 15-20 years. It was very powerful, and caused a LOT of problems between us (we are still working to correct these things). One of the things where Kuroi “dropped the ball” has to do with Momoiroi. For 4 or 5 years Kuroi walked Momoiroi to school everyday. Momoiroi expected this to continue. But it did not, this negatively impacted Kuroi’s relationship with Momoiroi. A lot of talking did not open Kuroi’s eyes to this issue. Kuroi was listen to my ex’s request for more and more time with Kuroi, and didn’t see any problems with that.
Now there is a request from me of Kuroi. I have requested that Kuroi talk to Momoiroi and set a day or a period of days in which Kuroi will take Momoiroi out for some Kuroi and kid time. I have also requested that Kuroi and I set some time to have as Family time. My request was specific. I know Kuroi doesn’t do hard and set times so I suggested that Kuroi let Momoiroi know that on Monday, or Wednesday Kuroi and Momoiroi will go out and do something together for at least 30 mins of fun time. (this was an example, and not an expectation)
Someone new may come in and call that a rule, and feel it is restrictive that Kuroi and I have time on 3-4 days a week set aside for US.
There is distrust involved, but Kuroi’s NRE blindness does not make Kuroi a bad parent (or a bad person), it means that Kuroi has to pay more attention to how Kuroi’s new relationship is (or might) negatively impact family. Having a “rule” especially one that is written out is a good reminder for Kuroi that dropping the ball a second time will have larger consequences.
Because my concerns, and my needs were brushed aside there is a “trust” issue between Kuroi and I. That more than anything has me concerned, and unhappy about Kuroi’s meet with someone the other day. Was I going to prevent this meeting? NO. I have however already started talking to Kuroi about the NRE things that were a problem before. We are planning to talk more about this when Kuroi has time.
If this new person ends up being a “game changer” so be it, but don’t string me along saying I’m imagining things, Mkay.
Here’s the thing:
My ex exerted a privileged stance that we were not expecting. I did not know how to handle it, and neither did Kuroi.
Simply put. My ex felt that Kuroi and I having 20 years together meant that my ex needed/deserved more and more time with Kuroi upto and including making it very difficult for Kuroi and I to have time just us, or just family where my ex was not present. My ex’s way of thinking was that my ex needed this extra time to catch up to the relationship Kuroi and I were seen to have. Kuroi hearing the way my ex explained this felt like there was nothing wrong with that. My ex’s demands, requests, expectations, statements, suggestions (how ever ths was expressed to Kuroi) sounded totally reasonable to NRE addled Kuroi. At first I too saw my ex's requests as reasonable. I can't argue that 20 years together is a bonus for me and Kuroi, and a negative to Kuroi and my Ex. It's something that my ex and Kuroi clear don't have. I bagan to disagree however, and thus began the beginning of the end of the triad, and the deterioration of Kuroi’s and my relationship, and Kuroi’s relationship with Momoiroi.
My request that Kuroi set 2 10-24 hour periods of time for US, and Family where my ex was NOT included was reasonable. I was told it was wrong of me to tell my ex to find something else to do for an entire day.
Tell me, are you capable of entertaining yourself for a day or two, while Kuroi and I have time together, as a couple, and time with Momoiroi as a family? How “excluded” or “disrespected” will you feel when Kuroi, or I tell you this is the new RULE? Will you be going off about one of us manipulating the other, or exerting “couple privilege”, or controlling your relationship with one of us?
I was told that this was an unreasonable request by Kuroi. It became a HUGE argument. My ex knew I was wanting space and time with out my ex. I wanted quality time with Kuroi. My ex's remark to Kuroi (when I made the 2 10-24 hour day/time request), Murasaki's "doing IT again". IT being asking for more time alone with Kuroi, and my family. This wasn't the first time I had asked. I just made a much more specific request for time, and refused to take NO for an answer.
I have a problem with the sentiment that ONLY couples exert privilege, unrealistic expectations, demands. I have a problem with the sentiment that ONLY couples manipulate, and control relationships with new people. I have a problem with that because a NEW person did this to me. Because NRE is a bitch, and caused the same kind of blindness for Kuroi that I have read about over and over on this forum. Yet I see more and more comments about the “couple” being the problem. This has NOT been my experience.
It couldn’t possibly ever be the new person, it couldn’t possibly be the NRE. It MUST be the established relationship that is the problem. The partner not involved in the new relationship isn’t poly, they are controlling, manipulative, and should be ditched.
WTH? Isn’t that what Unicorns are put through by Unicorn hunters? I thought that was not an acceptable sentiment. If it’s NOT ok for Unicorns to be kicked to the curb for not accepting the control and manipulation of a couple, (or of one partner in that couple) why then is it ok for one partner to be kicked to the curb in those same circumstance?
RESPECT is needed. Thoughtfulness, understanding NRE, being flexible, accepting someone's flaws, a willingness to learn and grow.
I disagree with considering most situations like where the new person is labeled a “cowperson”. Who wants to be a cow? In my experience the new person was inexperienced, immature, manipulative, controlling. While some of that is intentional not all of it is. And that makes situations like the one I was in not fit the “cowperson” label. I’m not completely convinced that my ex came into this with the intention of removing Kuroi from our family. I won’t be surprised if that is revealed as the truth at some point however.
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (to complicated to have a current title)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi
Kimidori - Kuroi's other primary
In LTR of 22 years, married for 14 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.