My spouse and I never had ďrulesĒ and now that Iím wanting some rules none of what I am talking about/suggesting controls what Kuroi and a new person can do between themselves.
The only restrictive things Kuroi (and myself for that matter) have to work around is the inability to have a sleepover at our place. We do not have the space for it. And having only one reliable mode of transportation at the moment. (not counting our own two feet, and trains/public transportation)
The rules Iím talking with Kuroi about are more an explanation of what I consider respect between Kuroi and I, between myself and any meta with whom I have contact. I have asked Kuroi to put a similar thing together for us to talk about.
When a new SO comes into the picture I would ask them the same thing, and I expect Kuroi to do the same with his SOís.
I have started this because of the issues NRE between my ex and Kuroi caused. Because Kuroi dropped the ball while experiencing NRE something that had not happened for a long time for Kuroi. Kuroi was not prepared. I was not prepared. My idea of respectful speech, and conduct are something I am not willing to budge on ever again. And I intend to be very very sure that Kuroi knows and understands how I want to be treated by my partners, and their SOís. (I will have a similar conversation with my SOís when I start dating and the time is right)
I do not expect people to be perfect. We are all human, flaws are part of being human. Iím willing to work with someone who has issues with jealousy, or insecurity (up to a point). Iím not going to up and walk away from a relationship that has potential because someone needs to work on themself some. Now if whomever has the issue refuses to acknowledge the issue, or to work on it thatís a different story.
As a matter of fact I was talking to Kuroi about providing the poly resource we have collected and offering them to new people (not everyone with have any idea, or info on Poly prior to meeting a poly person). For several reasons. Information is power. Education is a great way to reduce stress, and minimize some issues from cropping up. Offering information allows someone new to poly the ability to make a more informed decision. And there is the benefit of them being more likely to recognize their issues, and speak up when (for example) they feel jealous so we can help (whom evers help they want/need). There is the added benefit of this information allowing someone new to point out when Kuroi and I are doing the negative things, then this new person can help me, or Kuroi or both of us avoid making certain mistakes. This requires the ability for everyone to communicate at least cordially with each other.
In My case, I have a health issue that could require my SOís communicate at inconvenient times to me and that SO, and to my other SO and their partner. This will likely require more than just cordial communication. Especially for any new person dealing with my previously unwitnessed health issue. So My SO seeing me get sick, will likely need to call Kuroi for how to help me recover. And Kuroiís SO will NEED to know that this is a possibility (rare, but it does occur, and is not something within my control) so that hurt feelings can be reduced (hopefully prevented). Not sure Iím willing to share my health issue. It only comes up once every few years. But it happened while out with one of Kuroiís co-workers this past weekend, so Iím feeling very uncomfortable, embarrassed, and such about it.
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
LTR SO - Kuroi - Straight (broken up-not sure what we are now)
Child of Murasaki & Kuroi - Momoiroi
In LTR of 20 years, married for 13 years to Kuroi
Didn't realize we had a poly type relationship in High school. Exploring poly again now that our Child is older.