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Old 10-10-2013, 07:35 AM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 72

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hmmm. Sounds like Kuroi's getting stood up a lot.

Would you prefer he cool it on contacting new women to date? Would you rather he worked on issues in his relationship with you (and Momoiroi) first? If so, have you told him that? If you did, what was his response?
1. yes
2. yes
3. yes, that's harder to answer it was a long conversation. To be honest, I don't feel he understood why I was saying that at the time.

Kuroi's response was that a new partner would be difficult to find considering person limitations. Kuroi's limitations, not mine. Kuroi is generally shy, quite, and oblivious to subtly interest aimed in Kuroi's direction. So kuroi asking someone out was new. In our relationship I was the agressor, not Kuroi. So there's that and some of what Kuroi is looking for in an new partner, and Kuroi has some personal issue that also make finding someone difficult.

Issues that are not full acknowledged by Kuroi. Like Jealousy, and low self esteem. We all have issues with jealous and self esteem sometimes. But Kuroi has yet to acknowledge the things I see as jealousy, and some of the requests Kuroi makes point at self esteem troubles.

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I get that you're sick, but it's not like Kuroi has no self-control. He should be able to hold off on contacting new women if you ask him to. Polyamory isn't going anywhere. It'll still be there after you get feeling well and he gets done working on his relationship with you (and Momoiroi).
Ok if things were in a better place, my first thought is that my having a cold does not mean the Kuroi can't meet up with someone.
Since things aren't where I'd like them to be between Kuroi and I, I am willing to recognize that my not being ready for Kuroi to start dating doesn't mean Kuroi is ok with waiting.

There are a couple things going on:
Kuroi basically stopped seeing my ex, and has barly spoken to my ex till recently. Kuroi loves my ex, and I think is seeing the power dynamic there as being bad. I think Kuroi is seeing the tatics my ex has used in a different light. Not the same way I see things, but at least not seeing the way my ex currently behaves as normal, or ok. And not seeing everything said by my ex as being reasonable any more.

So Kuroi has been "distracting" Kuroi with outtings, and art. Dating someone new is a major distraction. I told Kuroi when I got all sad, and upset that it was a bad idea to make the new person a rebound person. But I'm not controling what Kuroi does. I was originally supportive. The sadness was due to several things. Not least of which being my lack of comfort in Kuroi dating right now. Kuroi was not asking for, nor was I giving permission. Kuroi asked for and recieve support. Once Kuroi got what Kuroi was looking for (a date/meeting set up) it sank in what was happening. I'm not over the issues Kuroi dating my ex caused, and was very upset feeling like this was the begining of all the NRE stressors happening all over again. Not exactly realistic of me, this new person is not my ex. I know this logically, but when has logic ever worked where emotions are concerned (outside of star trek)?

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I'm hearing that he's done some kind of damage to his relationship with you? How did this happen, and what needs to be done to fix it?
I'll get to that eventually. Have you read the "are you in poly hell" article? It's one I found through GalaGirl.

Reading the poly hell things in that article explains a lot of what happened. Reading FullofLoves blog, and how her relationship with Si eclipsed her marriage to Matt, also explains where I am at. (I haven't read Matts blog, or caught up in FullofLove's) I was in Matt's shoes, for a shorter period of time, and to my eyes more drastic then the general description in the poly hell article. But then I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Maybe in a year or two it won't seem that way.

I have a post that I need to rework and maybe just put here versus responding to the thread that triggered it. It will explain some of what happened. Enough without going into major details. I am trying to let go. Unfortunatly things still come up, things happen that bring the past back into the present in an ugly way.

"what needs to be done to fix it?"

We are still working that out. Kuroi and I will be talking more about that soon. as in after Kuroi gets off work later today.
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
Kuroi - Straight (LTR 22+ years, married/fwb)
Momoiroi - child of Murasaki & Kuroi

Kimidori - Kuroi's SO

My lovers - Darkness & Mysteriousness (2+ years)
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