Being poly and married
My life was thrown into mass confusion this week. In the span of three days I broke up with my wife, fought extensively, and got back together with her. The situation is resolved but tenuous, with me having to give up far more in reunion than I though I was giving up is breaking up. We have always been open, but not "open" with our marriage since we tied the knot six years ago. In this I mean we have great communication, a great sex life, we are not anyway near shy about talking about things in public or with friends, or commenting on how "that woman over there looks ravishing" wothout jealousy. I would also encourage her to act on her bisexual desires to simply make out with women with no recompense.
Then about three years ago I began questioning monogamy, and as a student began learning, studying and researching about polyamory. About two years ago through disscussion and a lot of reading and soul searching on my part, I came to identify as polyamorous and I came to understand that this was the way I always was, but had continued to follow the prescribes social steps through life. My wife accepted this about myself but always remained uneasy. Let me say this now, I LOVE my wife dearly and always will. We disscussed it for a long time before either of us agreed to actually pursue anything.
To skip ahead a bit my wife allowed me some freedom to pursue what I desired. We had set rules and a lot of communication. Then she decided that she was uncomfortable with me alone with other women, but that we could have threesomes. We tried this too, and she enjoyed it immensely. However I dont. I word it like this, when we are in a threesome situation I feel like I have to be a different person, I have to be careful not to pay more attention to the other woman, I have to be careful not to enjoy it too much, I have to be someone other than who I would be if it were just me and the other woman. I rationalize it as being that we express other parts of ourselves when with others, that the dynamics between couples cannot be expected to be the same for every configuration.
My wife feels that I can be satisfied in this situation but I'm not, and I zipped my lip. So recently I'v been enjoying flirting, talking and hanging out with this woman from work, whom the wife knows about completely. My wife thought she was hot and quickly decided that we were going to have a threesome with this woman. The other woman while being agreeable to this situation has told me privately that the attraction is only between her and I and that if it must be in a threesome situation so be it. I dont like this.
I feel that the situation is unfair and dangerous, so I broke it off, it wasn't going to happen. I'm beginning to feel that the wife treats these situations like a carrot to placate me in our marriage, and this idea is heartbreaking. So after much discussion the wife says that she acccepts who I am but will never again be comfortable with me pursueing anything on my own.
So I thought about this and I thought, and thought. I re-read Jenny Blocks book Open, which deeply reflected some of my own thoughts given the particulars of my own situation. And then on Friday night I told the wife what I wanted, that I wanted the opportunities that could be afforded by life, and to no longer be contained in a glass jar so to speak. So we broke up. And after she was packed and about to leave I broke down, I couldnt let her go, I was afraid, I loved her and still needed her. So we fought some more, talked some more, and then slept way to much. However we were reunited. But, I have to give up nonmonogamy, and my job. (I was a student who hates the idea of student loans, so I work as a bartender for the great tips)
She knows I still identify as polyamorous, and thus seems to remain aloof somewhat, wondering when I might ask again about other people. However she loves me and I love her, but I feel like a piece of my soul has been locked away in the dark. Probably the worst part of this situation is that, I had been open with family about what polyamory is, how I feel, and have even given them things to read. And while they claimed that they understood how this could work for people they proclaimed that it wasnt for them, fine, no problem thanx for being open minded. But after this, I have been villianized, and how I feel has been deemed selfish, awful and immoral.
I don't know what to do now. I just needed to write it down in hopes that the act of making my thoughts material could help me through them.