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Old 03-05-2010, 06:35 PM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Sorry - I didn't explain.

"OK, I held her hand, that means I now have to hold HER hand. I don't feel comfortable kissing her today, so I can't kiss HER today." that sort of thing. In my opinion the relationships are independant and shouldn't be compared.
Oh I was saying that I was doing this subconsciously I had no idea I was doing this until I knew I was doing it...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
The "grand invite" to what? Join their relationship? I would suggest that there is another way of looking at this - that you will never join "their" relationship, because that is theirs - let it go at the pace it will, because it should affect you. If it DOES affect you then you need to work out why.
The grand invite is when Wifey is ready to be in a triad (all of us together) I am not romantically involved with Nikki at this point I'm waiting until their "ready"

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So it frustrates you that you can't influence or control their relationship and dictate the pace of it.
No that doesn't frustrate me. I don't want control, I think all of us should have a stake in the pace or relationship. What frustrates me is that I feel like their efforts in their pace does not factor in the fact that I am waiting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
So you have set things up so that your wife and Nikki's relationship limits or shapes your relationship with Nikki. It's not surprising that this causes you tension, and maybe this is something that you need to examine, the three of you. Why does this muzzle have to be on? What purpose does it serve?
It was never intended for their relationship to shape the relationship I have with Nikki it was supposed to be short term to us all being together (which was a consensus) once they decided that they wanted to be in a relationship with one another the triad was supposed to begin. so the purpose has already been served yet they continue. Oh and FYI wifey would want me to be in a relationship without her being involved....she couldnt wear my shoes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Bluntly, it doesn't matter what you think about what phase they are in - they are in whatever phase THEY feel it is in.
I wouldnt be concerned at what phase they are in but since as it stands...the phase they're in determines when my romantic relationship begins with Nikki

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Well, the three dynamic is definitely affected by the inidividual pair relationships - that's unavoidable - maybe it's not even destined to be - maybe it will be a triad in the sense that you each have your individual pair relationships, and work as friends as a three. Cna be perfectly viable.

Well, it feels a bit like you are trying to force this to be something that it isn't (at least isn't YET). You have your "ideal" of where you want this to be, and are "working towards the goal", without regard for how the other two really feel.

(and if this feels like I am throwing stones, here, it's because i did EXACTLY the same thing in my first poly V/triad - it ended with just a load of resentment from everyone)

You need to relax, you need to get to the point where you and Nikki can have your relationship and work on that, and you can put energy into working with your wife on yours, too. Work on the three of you being good friends, do stuff together - don't push. They say that the trick is to go at the speed that all are comfortable - and it sounds like you aren't willing to do that, or are getting frustrated doing that. That is something I think you need to work on.

Also, try to get rid of the idea of how this needs to be as a configuration, and let it be whatever it will be. Try to stop forcing it into your ideal.

If this sounds blunt, please forgive me - I kind of wish I had someone telling me this stuff years ago....
all in all thank you for the tough love. I just don't know if I can deal especially if I don't understand why they are going down the path of a V when we agreed to be working on a triad.
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