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Old 03-05-2010, 04:22 PM
mianej mianej is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 5

Ah, I wasn't aware I was being vague. Maybe that's because I'm not sure in how much detail I want to go in this forum.
I'll try to clarify a few things.

I believe the issue is indeed jealousy. My friend feels insecure in her relationship to her BF because she feels too dependent on him. She has suppressed her supposedly "negative" emotions over the course of our year together, thinking she didn't have the right to feel this way. In our triad relationship she often felt good, but also often bad because she was afraid she'd grow less important for our BF now that he has a second girlfriend.
All her suppressed emotions have now come out in a rush when I moved closer to where they live. She says she can't perceive anything else but her jealousy anymore, the positive aspects of our relationship, which she acknowledges were there, are now buried under her fear.

She doesn't have a problem with me personally and wants to have some kind of relationship with me, altough she can't tell at the moment what kind of relationship because she can't get through to her feelings towards me - they're also hidden under her love for our BF and her fear that overshadow everything.

We do click, very much so. A bit too much. We're too similar, similar insecurities, her issues can trigger my issues and vice versa.

I've had some big changes in my life over the last 6 months, including the end of a 10 year relationship, so I couldn't cope that well with her sudden outburst. (When she slipped into this crisis she cut me off for a month and didn't want to talk to me, because she was too afraid that when she spoke to me about her jealousy everything would break down).

So the point is: Temporarily we're both a bit too shaken to be able to communicate very well. When I panic here and say that oh dear what if we can't talk anymore! - that's probably an overreaction on my side. Generally we can talk wonderfully. Just not now. Now each of us needs some distance to sort out for herself how to cope with her emotional drama. (She's in therapy and I'm waiting for mine to begin in April.)

My question is: Will it be okay if we don't talk much for some time, like, a month or two - so that she has room to calm down a bit and sort out what she wants?
Or will these weeks of not talking already hurt what's left of our relationship (which I think is... quite a lot), because we forget how to talk or something like that?

Respect is definitely not our problem. There's a greater risk we care too much about what the other person may feel when I do X/ she does Z than that we don't care enough. We had a great friendship. It's somewhere under all that baggage.

As for trying to influence the cook to change the menu... I hope very much she's aware that's possible. I fear she thinks it's either the restaurant as it is WITH me in it - or nothing at all.
I've tried to tell her that she can negotiate and get help etc - but if she can't or won't do that at the moment, then I can't do anything, right?

Still unclear?

Last edited by mianej; 03-05-2010 at 04:28 PM. Reason: edited for spelling
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