Notes/observations based on the recent posts:
- MW does a lot of scorekeeping.
- MW has unpredictable mood swings.
- MW is afraid of telling the truth.
- MW doesn't really know what she wants.
- MW feels particularly threatened by you.
- MW is childlike and used to getting her way.
- MW is very averse to leaving her comfort zone.
- MW would be very volatile in the face of the truth.
- MW just doesn't trust other people, even her friends.
- MW is afraid of hearing anyone state her true feelings, even herself.
- MW feels threatened by other people spending time together without her -- even BF and DH.
I can see that you are tired of MW having things one way, while you (theoretically) have to have things another way. It's okay for her to spend one-on-one time with DH, but it's not okay for you to spend one-on-one time with BF. Have you pointed out this inequity to her? If so, what was her defense?
I agree that it would have been much simpler if MW hadn't been in the picture in the first place. Or would it have been? As long as MW entered the picture sooner or later, her insecurities would have followed her sooner or later as well, and then who knows what other kinds of problems she would have caused (in place of the kinds of problems she has caused).
Re (from Indygirl78
"We have all been making plans for a kid free trip together this upcoming spring and I would love things to have progressed enough by that time to allow more time alone between me and BF and she and my DH."
Ohh. This kind of concerns me because I'm afraid MW won't be able to make the changes you're hoping for by Spring, which sounds like a recipe for disappointment (and frustration, and resentment) on your part (and perhaps's BF's part too). This can't be what you want to hear, but I want to be clear about my perception that MW's problems are going to take years, not months, to sort through, let alone work out. Perhaps that means you'll want to dedicate some thought as to whether this could all be worth it to you? I mean, what if it takes decades to sort these problems out? How much patience do you have left for MW's misbehavior?
Remember, you need more than just patience with the situation. You also need patience with listening to what MW has to say. Especially if MW is afraid of telling the truth. That means you'll have to patiently sit through a lot of fibbing before you hear any of the real information.
Are BF and DH reading this thread? If not, they probably should. I think it is going to take all three of you trying to reach MW's hidden emotional layers in order to add up to a good chance of success.
Getting MW to talk about her deepseated feelings is going to take more than just asking her to do it. It's probably going to take scratching away a little at a time ... much like extracting a fossil from the surrounding rock. Chopping away at it with pick and shovels is going to damage the fossil (and mar the information). The work has to be done with brushes and tiny chip-away tools.
From what I am seeing (so far), whatever is hidden inside MW is deeply buried and she is not eager to encounter it herself. It's much more comfortable for her to just fret over surface complaints and annoyances. Digging down deeper would mean that she would have to confront some really scary shit within herself. Sort of like if there were a monster locked away in a dungeon down there. She doesn't want to venture down into the dungeon and free the monster.
"I have in the past suggested she get counseling to help her deal with her past issues, but she only said she probably should have in the past, but has no real intentions of doing it now."
That's odd. Why doesn't she think counseling would help her now, if it would have helped her in the past? Does she think her issues have gotten too cemented to be changed?
Re (from Indygirl78
"I feel that I need to have a serious conversation with BF and DH about ways to resolve this issue."
You'll also do well to work on accomplishing GalaGirl's suggestions.