Thread: Why??
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Old 10-08-2013, 05:43 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
Dagferi--sorry I didn't mean to imply that you don't get jealous. I think I meant maybe you were better at dealing with those feelings and looking inward.
All of our life experiences help shape how we respond to our environments. Responses like envy and jealousy start when we are kids and continue to either be reinforced as an appropriate response or not.

By the time we are adults and come to a challenging worldview like polyamory, some folks seem to be "naturally" better at it than others. However, when we look at it more closely, that isn't the case. One person isn't naturally more or less controlling than another person, I suspect. When IV decided that she was absolutely not monogamous, desired a more free lifestyle, and eventually identified as poly she never struggled with envy and jealousy to a notable degree. Her life experiences to that point had long since trained her to give responses like jealousy and envy no weight and instead to appreciate what she had.

So in her case your assessment would seem to be correct, since IV identified as poly she never really had any issues with jealousy and envy. However, upon closer inspection we could identify that she did not have problems with jealousy and envy and this was likely part of the impetus to be poly - not the other way around.

When people are confronted with an idea like having multiple romantic partners and respond with a great deal of insecurity, jealousy, and envy, what is probably true is that this person has had far more experiences reinforcing jealousy than those which prompted them to learn to move past it. I have heard many times from mono folk that "I don't share well" and I think they are closer to reality than they understand. I expect that they never learned to let go of their surroundings and to let people be. From an early age and throughout adulthood they never learned that they are not entitled to someone behaving a certain way simply "because that's the way it is".

When someone with these life experiences slams face first into their first real experience with learning to stop controlling their partner - I'm sure it is quite a start and there is likely a lot of work to be done.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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