Your other stuff...
Given the information about her personality. What would be the best way to try to bring things out?
I would shelve this til later. You are still working on getting firm of purpose in yourself first. Then IDENTIFYING all the problem areas.
So this question comes later in the process to me.
- I am thinking about telling. <-- you are here.
- I am going to tell. Definitely. No matter what it takes or costs me. I am resolute!
- HOW am I going to tell her? <--- this would be skipping ahead.
I am looking for suggestions on remedying the situation with hopes of it moving forward in a more positive direction.
Here is a possible generic template. Up to you if you want to use that or make up your own:
- Overall Mission: "Be Open and Honest." (Orange for partial because all things under are not all green. )
- I know the mission. I agree to uphold this mission. <-- seems to be a check in your column for part of it anyway.
- All my partners know the mission and agree to uphold this mission. <-- not green all the way yet though. At some point you have to ask if each of them want this too.
- Goals: (to support the mission?)<---- You are not here yet. But you could think out one step ahead. Before you can go here for real, the Mission must be all green. All players not on board with the mission? This trip doesn't fly. Have to work out the new mission all can play by and agree to or disband. You have already tried it out wonky and you don't like it.
- I know what the goals are. I agree to work to achieve them.
- All my partners know what they are. They all agree to work to achieve them.
The baby goals to help support our mission of "Open and Honest" are...
- I am no longer in a cheating affair
- DH is no longer in a cheating affair
- BF is not in a cheating affair
- The wife (your meta) is not in a cheating affair.
- All are free from lying behavior from YOU.
- All are free from lying behavior from BF
- All are free from lying behavior from DH
- All are free from lying behavior from the wife
- I do/do not continue swinger sex with this couple.
- DH does/does not continue swinger sex with this couple.
- I do/do not date the BF openly.
- DH does/does not date the woman openly.
- Something else? (That I did not think of you want to put in this slot?)
- Some mix and match of the above?
- ALL of the above?
Could you be willing to define "negative direction" also?
Because it takes BOTH. You have enough on your plate.
So could stop the behaviors that ADD to the problems. (That stops any NEW crap from piling in!)
Then you have to start shoveling the crap that is already here. TAKE AWAY from the problems. Change behaviors that help with that.
You don't get to have fresh air and enjoy "open and honest" til both things are attended to.
- Behavior Objectives to support the goals? <-- This is 2 steps ahead. You can't meet behavior objectives and decide WHO DOES WHAT PART to achieve the goals without knowing what the goals are.
- I know what the objectives are. I agree to do my share. (List what my share is)
- All my partners know what they are and agree to do each of their shares. (Lists for each person)
- All of us know who owns what behavior. Who will do/not do X. We know how we hold each other accountable.
- All are prepared to work on our individual behaviors and group behaviors
- We all know how to measure progress as we work through it.
But there is no escaping the fact that what you do can and does affect the other players. It's the polymath.
It exists even in swinging -- on the most basic level? Who you share sex with can and does affect you and your other sex partners and their sex healths. Right now? YOU are being affected by your own behavior and the behavior of your partners. Result: You feel yucky with the lies.
Could change that then. Change some behaviors and see if you start to feel better over time.
Just take it one thing at a time. You sound like you started out swinging and want to end up in a polyship. Well... break it down. One thing at a time. Get yourself back to "neutral" first -- and heal from all the affairs. Then see how it could unfold with this couple. I don't think you can leap from negative to positive just like that. It's going to take some effort and working through steps in between. Keep your expectations real.
Getting a show of hands for "I would like to be open and honest with my friends and lovers. Who is with me?"
Sooner or later, that has to be asked by you. They aren't exactly beating down the doors to ask it themselves. SOMEBODY has to be first.