Having kids?? or.. To be or not to be?
I am posting this into the Poly Relationships Corner, even though my concern is not exactly poly related. So here we go:
Why do people have children? How come they are able to do that? Not talking about the biology of this, but the ethics and theory.
My opinion has been since quite young that had I had a choice, I would choose not existing. Life is just too painful. Yes, I have been diagnosed with depression, but that was in the past. Nowadays I quite enjoy my life and do not actively want to die anymore. Still, given the choice, I would choose to not have lived at all.
This has resulted for me absolutely not wanting to have children. Since I would choose non-existence for myself, why would I choose otherwise for someone else? So, my choice has been to struggle through my life the best I can, but not bring another soul onto this earth to suffer.
This has become a problem lately, though. CJ, my husband, has changed his mind about kids, and now he wants to have one or two with me. There has been big changes in his life prior to this, and I can see why he thinks like he does. For a while I thought that maybe I could go along and actually have a kid with him. My life is now quite well balanced, the physical health better than ever before as well as mental health. So I have no reason to object, in that sense.
Mark, my other partner, is totally fascinated about the idea, and wants to support me in all possible ways. Well, that is valid whether I choose to have a child or not. We have even agreed among the three of us about the level of involvement that he would have with this possible child or children. We are financially stable and all that. So… I would have all the support in the world if I chose to become a Momma - and I cannot.
This became clear when we finally agreed that I’d go off my birth control. The result: absolute panic attacks. After some soul searching I realized that even though my life is good now, I still cannot make the choice of existence for someone else. Nope. So, the birth control is on, still, and now I am trying to make some kind of internal change.
Now… What to do? Is it possible to change this thinking and how? Any thoughts, anyone?
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).