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Old 10-08-2013, 04:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,737
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No, I am not a therapist. I do prefer NVC for my communication. Makes a lot of things, not just polyshipping, easier to deal with (for me).

I'm glad you can tell my intent is not to hurt you. I truly am trying to offer you some of the support you asked for, but it's hard to help when I don't know what ball park you are aiming for or what your need is.

To me you seemed like you were not sure if you were contemplating only or preparing to take action or what.

Now you seem to say that you are weighing out the pros and cons of moving toward "open and honest" like you want. But fear/anxiety about how it might play out when it comes to "taking action" time -- it's clouding your ability in the thinking time. You acknowledge you could serious conversation with BF and DH about ways to resolve this issue. Maybe you do that first. Before you have a conversation with all of you. That has to happen at some point -- her being brought up to speed. If the goal is to end lies, she can't be kept in the dark!

Well, just think for now. Could remind yourself you are not acting at this time. You are only thinking. There's not need to crank your own self up with anxieties or whatever. You have enough problems. No need to ADD more, right? Breathe, and take it one thing at a time.

Let's try that on for size then. Only thinking it out.

Say you tell. And she shuts down. This will be bad because....
  • She would be beyond pissed and shut down.
  • She would avoid us the best she could.
  • She would put (my DH) in the dog house. I don't believe she would leave him. She works with my DH, so she would still have to see him.
  • She will blame me and say it is all my fault.
  • This was not something I pursued, but yes, it is something that I've continued doing.

Could take it one at a time then if all in a lump is too overwhelming. Do one today and another one tomorrow.
  • Her being pissed and shut down makes it hard for me. Because then I would have to ____?
  • Her avoiding me and DH makes it hard for me. Because then I would have to ____?

  • Her putting DH in the dog house makes it hard for me. Because then I would have to ____?
  • Her blameshifting on to just me is hard for me. Because then I would have to ____?
  • Continuing to participate in this (though I did not pursue or initiate it)in a way that is less than honest is hard for me. Because then I would have to ____?

And every time you answer with a sentence, tack it on AGAIN. "What about THAT makes it hard? Because then I would have to ____?"

When you can go no deeper, what do you get? In each of those mini areas of the bigger problem?


Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-08-2013 at 06:25 PM.
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