Thread: Why??
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Old 10-08-2013, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by tamlvscarl View Post
I think you don't do those things (sit at home worrying about him making all sorts of special intimate memories, etc) because you operate/identify as poly. It is different for someone who is basically mono trying to digest jealousy (in my opinion).
I'm Mono.

I work on my jealousy by trying to dig down and figure out what it is I need, rather than by trying to limit what P experiences - I don't mind that my partner makes intimate memories with others. I have great memories from my relationship with my ex-husband, I make great memories with my children, I have other great memories with various friends - none of which involve P, but they are all something I treasure. If P asked me to stop having cherished moments with anyone else in my life, I'd refuse. I don't expect any different when the shoe is on the other foot.

It did take me some time to grow comfortable with the time apart, though. I had NEVER lived alone - I went from high school, right into college with a vast network of friends and various roommates, got married right out of school, and lived with my ex until after our divorce. I didn't know what to DO with myself, and had other problems where I'd been told I couldn't do <x> and <y> for so long ("oh, are you really going to try to fix that? Won't it break? Can you do that? You shouldn't do that. It'll just get ruined. You don't know what you're doing"... UGH), that it took me a while to get my self-confidence back. That was a volatile time for me, emotionally, and I know I would have wanted P with me 24/7 if he could have managed it.

However, I'm discovering that as more "me" comes out, I'm enjoying my alone time. I'm enjoying finding the things that make me tick, outside of a relationship. I *do* treasure the time P's here, and I do miss the hell out of him when he's not, but I'm good with the time I have alone.

Now, that said, my relationship with P started with the caveat that he is poly, and he wasn't going to be living with me 24/7 anyway. If you're dealing with an established partner going from spending all his time with you, to spending less time with you, then yes, I can see where this feels like something's being taken away from you, and it would make it more difficult.

All I can suggest is to ask for the support you need, not to try to fit yourself into a model that may not work for you. Hang in there.
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 6 years.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 47/F, Chops' partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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