I note you do not answer with a plain yes/no. Let me ask plainer... Do you intend to take action? Or are you just thinking about it right now?
It's hard to advise when I do not know your intent at this time or what kind of support you seek. (Ex: thinking things out support or taking action support.)
In a nutshell? At this time? Stripped of the past details? This is where it seems to be TODAY:
- You , DH, BF, and this woman engage in swinger sex sometimes.
- You and BF used to date too, but the wife asked it to stop. She didn't want dating, she only wanted swinging -- casual recreational sex. You all agree to stop.
- A year later? You and BF break that agreement. You and BF are dating without her knowledge right now. Just your DH's. So you and BF seem to be having a cheating affair with your DH's enabling.
- DH also dates the woman being cheated on right now. You, BF, and DH let her believe she's having an cheating affair with your DH -- really you all know. But SHE believes she's having a secret thing with your DH though.
- All of you are lying to each other about one thing or another.
- She lies about her cheating affair with your DH.
- You and BF and DH do lies of omission -- because you pretend you don't know but all really know about (her + your DH )
- You and BF and DH lie about (you + BF) dating and your own cheating affair.
- You state you are all friends.
- You state you are tired of lies and want to be open/honest.
These behaviors are "friendly" behavior how?
These behaviors are "open and honest" how?
You state you DO NOT LIKE the current state of affairs.
I don't like how things can't be more open with her. I don't like that it makes it so I'm having an affair with her husband and she with mine. And of course we are all betraying her because we can't tell her we all know.
You choose to participate in a cheating affair. Are you willing to STOP? Are you willing to expect more from yourself?
What stops you from telling her?
Fear of her reaction? Something else?
If you want to help her become more secure - what are you willing to do?
- Are you willing to tell her it is ok to date your hubby openly?
- Are you willing to stop seeing her husband in secret?
If you want to be open and honest about the rest -- What are you willing to do in that area so you can be free of lies?
- Are you willing to come clean about your own cheating affair?
- Are you willing to apologize and ask for a chance to make amends?
- Are you willing to stop dating the BF under these cheating conditions?
Because right now? It seems like you mostly wanted to vent that you don't get to date the BF openly. Well...
- Could stop dating him clandestinely!
- Could apologize to wife for the cheating start. Reveal you know about her affair with your DH.
- Could stop sharing swinger sex until this all gets sorted out.
- Could arrange for everyone talk in a group -- YES. Even if it it feels yucky and uncomfortable.
- Could start over on a clean slate if all players are willing -- and date each other openly and honestly.
It may be hard to FEEL, but the actions seem straightforward enough. Are you willing to do any/all of those things at this time? Or not yet?
You do not seem willing to be assertive and face conflict resolution straight up at this time. From your story, most of the players are very avoid style in their conflict resolution.
I just don't see how this can continue on a good path -- everyone avoiding reality.
Sooner or later it will come out and THEN what?
If you are at contemplation stage, could finishing thinking then. Then determine what you are willing/not willing to do as you move on to the next stage of change.
Everyone could own their own baggage here. You can do this.
But you do not seem ready to take action at this time. I could be wrong. Are you at contemplation stage only or moving on to the next part -- you intend to take action and want to prepare?