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Old 10-08-2013, 05:43 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398
Default Note Part 1

What I typed up.

One of my best friends, my ex, and someone who I still (and probably always will) love immensely and care about deeply is highly likely leaving. Moving to a new city in a new state for his work. I'm glad that this opportunity came up for him but all I feel is sorrow and loss right now. I'm kinda doing this writing as some sort of way to process my emotions on everything.

I guess it would be the best to start out at the beginning of things. I met Seven and Lamian about 4 years ago through Woodsmith. Became friends with them and as time went on saw them as close friends, best friends, and family. I wanted to let them know things in my life and know about theirs. I wanted closeness with them, the type of thing where you make time as often as possible to hang out and just enjoy each otherís company.

Probably around 2 and a half years ago (June 2011), I realized that I was polyamorous. I spoke with Woodsmith about it and he agreed for me to have other relationships. The first people I thought of were Seven and Lamian. This is probably the point where mentally I knew that I felt about either of them as more than just friends. But I didn't know how difficult it would be for Woodsmith for me to be with another guy at first, I am bisexual (well more accurately pansexual), and I doubted that Seven felt anything like me that I did about him. So I explored a little with Lamian but eventually realized that there wasn't anything more than an attraction of just being friends.

Feb. 2012. Whatever emotions, desire, whatever that I was feeling towards Seven became really high. For the months between realizing I was poly and this I had gotten closer to him. Our friendship did deepen to the point that he was only the second person in my life that I would call a best friend. He and I became each other's confidants. And each time I found myself craving that closeness and intimacy. When I told Woodsmith about my attraction he actually gave me the courage to let Seven know. The day I did there was a decent amount of kisses passed. I also had a major panic attack that night that he was one of the people there who helped me through it.

March 2012. In fact it was the following weekend that Seven and I had sex for the first time. It was the start of something that became a very regular activity for the two of us. I still didn't know that I was feeling love for him and at that time we were pretty much lover-friends (a phrase I've found that just really sounds better than friends with benefits).

May 2012. This was the month (in fact the first weekend of that month) that the two of us realized that it was more than a sexual friendship between us. We told each other that we loved each other and he felt that since that weekend was when we realized there was more to it than what we thought it was our relationships anniversary.

Even from the time our relationship was just sexual he was an important figure in my life. He was my shaman, my lover, my boyfriend, my lord, and my dragon. I was his temple, his priestess, his pet, his. He was the yang to my yin. We were velcro together because we fit. I got him completely and he got me. He was home. I got to have the experience of having both sides of him (the person and the dragon) meld together for both to love me and I loved, cherished, and was devoted to both. I still am at the moment in actuality.

But there were problems, apparently in retrospect for all three of the women in his life. The two of us did probably end up getting wrapped up in each other in ways that caused the two of them pain.

For me the problems more came later. Actually when I agreed to move our day together from a day that allowed us to spend a decent amount of time together and then have intimacy/passion at night to one that the time for any sort of a relationship development to happen wasn't around. I know I tried at times to communicate that I needed that time but either it didn't come across well or he was unable or unwilling to provide and just never told me. I started to feel like a toy that was only around because he wanted to fill time when Lamian wasn't around.

Then the two of us realized something about our relationship. A power exchange dynamic had started really sinking in between us. It had always been there in small doses from the beginning but now it was becoming a part of us that both needed and craved. I knew I always felt like a submissive but with Woodsmith those feelings could never be expressed (he needs a fight). Seven always was able to just command my obedience and servitude. So it became more powerful and driven between us. And since I was unable to get the time I needed it actually made me start feel like I was important and special to him again.

I still craved the time though (still needed it) and requested it still. At one point I was told that there was no reason we couldn't have more time than just having our day changed and have two days. Again I had gotten an okay from Woodsmith but never any information came from Seven on his side. Something he then suggested was us having dates on a regular basis (this was brought up in May). However between the time it started and when we broke up there was only two of those dates. And both left me distraught because part of the reason I knew I still needed a longer day with more time was because I felt I was not allowed to be affectionate towards him if Lamian was home. I had been told by him that she thought I was all over him and since I didn't know how much affection was too much I didn't want to set her off.

But the power exchange dynamic proved to be a problem and despite my telling him I needed him more than it, he ultimately ended up ending our relationship due to it. I became a complete mess.

He and I had multiple conversations between the break-up and present day. He told me he missed me, he loved me, he wanted me back. I told him I felt the same and was willing to wait for him and I to be able to be back together. I was told there were some things he needed to work out but that afterwards he would work on us being able to be together. A few faux pas did happen in our actions together. Conversations became more intimate and close again. I was asked what my needs/wants were for us to get back together. I was told that my needs/wants were not too much and that he wanted to be able to even give me more than what I was asking. I had hope. Not just that it was a strong possibility that we would be able to get together, but also that things were going to be different this time and I would feel and know that I was important enough to have his time (particularly since Woodsmith and I were/are in the processes of finding a new place). Yes, I still got distraught and sad at times but that heartbroken feeling was gone.

Then I was informed that there wasn't a strong possibility, just a maybe possibly. And that he felt he had been leading me on. The heartbreak came back. A plan was to talk that evening. But a friend came over and any possibility for that conversation was halted. A request was made that he, myself, and Lamian have a chance to sit down and talk together.

At both ideas of conversation I knew what I wanted to say. I knew that with the three of us I would need to speak first, and mostly towards Seven, because most of my thing was a need to explain where I was at emotionally and mentally.
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
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