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Old 10-06-2013, 08:10 PM
Jcon Jcon is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Within the next month we had an interesting night where she made out with one of her girl friends... this resulted in my arguing my case that I should be able to kiss my friends as well - since the majority of them are girls. So basically our stance shifted to "anything but sex" with the opposite sex. By the end of our first month of being official (2nd month of dating), I was confronted full force by her jealousy when I went out one night to see a friend I hadn't seen in several months - a female friend that I have no romantic or sexual past with, mind you. Kim showed up, expecting to hang out with me I guess... and was infuriated to see me spending most of my time with this friend, and "following her around like a puppy" - the resulting conflict caused me to break up with her. Citing that I'm not her property, and that I can do whatever I want with whom ever I want in whatever capacity. I have almost a zero tolerance policy for jealousy in my relationships... which is difficult I know, but 95% of the time, I never get jealous... and the ending of my relationship with Lacey exposed me to so much unfair and irrational jealousy (on her part) that I can't tolerate it. I'm a free and independent person. I want to be able to act as such.

Yet, much like my relationship with Lacey - upon the "break up", I chose to continue to act as normal, and within a day, it became clear to Kim (and everyone else) that nothing had really changed. So in the next month we continued to date... and once again as it was with Sasha and Lacey toward their ends, amusingly, it is the alleged monogamous female that explores the openness of our relationship - yet my attempts are met with jealousy and ferocious attack. The hypocrisy is such that I can't even comprehend. If you are monogamous, and want nothing more than to be monogamous with your partner... yet they express a desire for openness, why then would your first course of action upon opening the relationship, be to PURSUE that openness?

Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with my partner having other partners... but when it is seemingly a battle with these monogamous people, when they constantly profess their complete disagreement with my philosophies... how then can you run off and go on a date the first night after the arrangement is made? How then can you makeout with another man in front of me? Yet if I so much as hint at the possibility of interest - I am scorned? It is the most hurtful experience I've gone through in my relationships with women, and it has happened to me twice, technically three times... all within the three most serious relationships I've ever had.

Eventually, I succumb to some of my own jealousy's with Kim, and she refrains from her flirtations with other men. Even further, our relationship had seen a bit of strain in our "open month", so I decided to close it once again - and was pretty vocal about the fact that it may likely end due to the fact that I don't believe in monogamous relationships.

Having said all that, the next 6 months of our relationship, bringing us to now - have been fantastic. She is an amazing girlfriend; quite possibly the best I've had in any capacity. She's a wonderful partner, and she brings out great things in me. One of possibly only 2 or 3 flaws is her jealousy - and obviously that is the biggest one. She's gotten significantly better with that issue though, because I think my willingness to break up and reinforce my stance on relationships and the importance of not being jealous made it clear that's what I need in order to function healthily. So for example, she's fine with my female friends.

However, despite everything being, essentially, perfect... I feel the call of non-monogamy tearing at me. I don't even have any potential other interests... I'm not even the type who desires to just have open sex with people because sex is fun... Yet, here I am in my perfect relationship feeling trapped, like I can't be myself. I feel one day, I'm going to meet someone and fall in love... and I'm going to tell Kim, and our relationship will end. But I often find myself daydreaming of a time in my life where I can be in love with someone; with Kim, and then fall in love again... and have Kim be happy. I daydream of having a home filled with people I love - with Kim, her daughter, whatever mystery woman may await me - and any of the people that they love too.

But I've never even felt close to that dream. Even through talking and negotiating with my past relationships, each gain - minor or significant - feels like another piece in a house of cards, where all it takes is for someone to breath the wrong way for everything to fall apart.

For my first real post in a poly forum - I was going to seek advice on how to deal with handling my desire for multiple relationships while dating someone who is mono. I've done a lot of reading on this and other forums, and a lot about that topic specifically. But when it came time to type my first post, I had two different one's forming. Or one huge one... I felt the need to just ramble on about my life, how so many different times I bumped into situations that conflict with my philosophical beliefs, or biological need... before I even knew what a philosophical belief or biological need was...
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