Switching gears for a second... Another thing that I thought was my issue for the longest time, before I reached the conclusion that it may just be monogamy in general that was my problem - I've ALWAYS been a relationship person. I can't just 'date' someone... it's actually HARD for me to not just upgrade to girlfriend status because idk, to me... when I feel how I feel - that's it. I begin to behave the way those feelings make me want to behave. Kissing, sex, openness, intimacy, honesty... All of those things take no time at all for me to develop when I just "click" with someone.
Also, Sex has always been a big thing for me too - I suppose to could call me demisexual (which is actually a new term for me) - but I can't just "fuck" something. It's actually not fun to me. I never enjoy it. However, if I FEEL something for someone, then sex is awesome.
However, a problem I had during my relationship with Sasha, which persisted for a while afterword, was this resentment of not having any fashion of a dating life. If Sasha and I had "lived happily ever after" - I would've resented that I'd never dated. In fact, that's precisely the premise that was in place for the opening of our relationship... it wasn't based on a philosophical belief or biological inclination toward non-monogamy... It was based on the fact that neither of us had much of a "dating life", and even if we were to end up together... we should get that part of our lives out of are system. With that understanding, we could still date while doing that.
Continuing back to story-time. I eventually met Lacey... one of the best thing's that has ever happened to me in terms of my relationship growth. She was an experiment in absolute honest with a partner - I told her everything. Much to her dismay, sometimes, I told her everything. Inside of the first month she knew all about Sasha, and all about Kathy - even though Kathy and I were still in the same social circles at the time. So Lacey handled that she would be in the same room as "the girl of my dreams" at any given night quite nicely. Lacey was a breath of fresh air.
Unrelated but equally awesome - She was also Bi-sexual... she LOVES women. I ended up having my first threesome because of her, and this eventually exposed me to another point of growth in my relationships. Our threesome was with a girl named Marissa, at first, it was simply her and Lacey interacting together while I had sex with Lacey - Marissa and I didn't do much more than make-out. Eventually, more threesome's would pop up from time to time... Almost anytime Marissa was going to go out with our social group, Lacey and I talked about the possibility (but it didn't always happen). Through honest communication we tackled the fact that I wanted to be able to have sex with Marissa during our threesome, even though Lacey was made uncomfortable by it a little. Eventually, that happened, and the world didn't implode! Lacey didn't hate me, nor Marissa - Marissa wasn't feeling used... basically, everything was fine.
It became obvious that Marissa was in love with Lacey. To this day I'm not sure how Lacey truly felt about her, because I did eventually experience some jealousy... Lacey and I are both cocky, and we compete... so she'd occasionally quip that Marissa wouldn't sleep with me without her. So had a bit of jealousy, which she'd comfort by saying that her relationship with marissa was just sexual. So I don't know the truth of that - but it doesn't matter. What matters is that I essentially found myself with a girlfriend who had sort of a lover, and the three of us would participate together. We'd go out from time to time just the three of us, and even though it was this odd dynamic of Marissa loving Lacey, Lacey loving me, Me loving Lacey.... and all of us loving having sex together. It seemed more or less balanced, and fair... and often times Marissa would be pursuing a boyfriend of her own - with varying degrees of success... Lacey and I would support her choices some time, and tell her she could do better others - we were all like regular friends, who loved each other in different ways.
Which brings me to the odd situation I ended up in with Lacey. I broke up with her a year and a half before our relationship "officially" ended. We still lived together, still had our occasional mini-relationship with Marissa... everything was normal. However, a dramatic event had occurred, and I simply used it as an opportunity to try and downgrade the status of our relationship, which worked. In time, Lacey found herself on Okcupid - she really wanted to try and find a girlfriend. She had had one in the past, and after dating Marissa in some sense, and while already having me... she felt she'd just like to have a girlfriend.
So this is what lead ME to okcupid. I created a profile and tried to date too... and my situation with Lacey began to erode. She couldn't handle me dating. Even after several month's had passed, and she had begun to date other men via okcupid (or otherwise), if I so much as talked or texted a girl, she'd get all bent of shape. She didn't limit me directly, mind you - because she knew the terms, especially as she was embracing them herself.... But she didn't create an environment that encouraged me to date at all.
She finally moved out and started seeing this guy named Scott. She and I were still pretty serious while her relationship was growing, and eventually she told me she couldn't date both of us and ended it with me. I was supportive of the decision, however - with out going into detail, she did end up handling it poorly which has since strained our relationship. During her time dating while being with me, and her growing relationship with Scott - I discovered her to be a less than honest and open person... despite myself doing nothing but constantly encourage honesty and openness, and even encouraging her pursuit of other men.
I had decided I was tired of relationships - and I had also decided that I was still sick of being programmed to be a relationship person... I just wanted to date. So I developed a weird and quirky system where I would hit on pretty much any girl I found attractive or interesting. This lead to a lot of duds, and a quite a bit of unsatisfying sex. But I didn't really care - I've spent almost the last decade of my life having only 2 serious relationships... in both of those relationships all I wanted was nothing more than to love openly and honestly... and both times I feel like I was able to come close, but not close enough. I had decided to tell anyone interested that I wasn't looking for a relationship - which translated into me being a whore, I guess.
But what is funny is that I still can't help but give off that relationship vibe I guess - I was faced with a weird paradox; Girl's that were just looking to fuck, thought I was looking for something more - Girl's that were looking for more, thought I was just looking to fuck. So I fell into a very dissatisfied rut where I couldn't get ANY intimacy because nobody could tell what side of the fence I was on it seemed. My own fault, most definitely.
Which finally, at long last, brings me to my current relationship. Kim. Bright, beautiful, amazing Kim. One of the many girl's hit on one night at the bar. She was cute, so I took my shot to see where it hit. It missed. She was going through a rough break up at the time with her boyfriend of 7 years and the father of her child. However, fast forward a month, and she's out and about again. I'm a big flirt - I can certainly take no for an answer... but I just speak flirtatiously all the time anyway. On this occasion, she actually responded quite well. We ended up back at her place watching scary movies - and then had the most middle-school esq make out session that I'd ever had as an adult... or even a middle-schooler. The next day we got breakfast, I maintained my flirty ways - she started to show signs of regret... and a day later called off our next (first) date.
Fast forward another 2 months and she's out again - I'm ignoring her this time for a few reasons, but she persists quite a bit. Eventually liquor loosens me up enough to stop being a prick and I indulge her. We have an amazing chemistry together, and I don't even mean physically. We spent the night together again, and this time had sex. After that we began to see a lot of each other... and things started to go into overdrive as often is the case with myself so I tried to xcersice restraint.
For the first month, we tipped toed around the subject of being girlfriend and boyfriend - mostly she'd make a slight suggestion of some sort, and I'd brush it off. Eventually she asked me out - and I actually said no. However this is where my weakness came into play - my no didn't sit well at all. I enjoyed what we had but considered the label irrelevant. I took her argument of "We're already boyfriend and girlfriend anyway, so why not have the title?" and turned it against her asking, "exactly, why HAVE it?"... We debated and debated for an entire day... and eventually my weakness of wanting to have and keep her, and fear of her not continuing to see me in some capacity, made me say yes. We agreed to monogamy.