Help for a (sort of) newbie in polyamory
I'm in kind of a trouble, and don't know where to find help in my country (Finland) and don't really know anyone that I might be able to talk with, I tried talking to my mother (I thought she might understand) but actually it made the situation worse. So I decided to try this forum.
So, I'm 24 years old, bisexual woman. I am single in the traditional sense of the world, but lately it feels like that there is just a big mess in my life. I've had a crush on my best friend since I was 13 (she's of age with me) and she was the first one I ever had sex with when we were 16. I think I was in love then, as much as a teen can.
We were sort of friends with benefits for about one year, and I never once had the courage to talk her about my feelings, because I even myself wasn't sure if I really was bisexual or not. Then life happened and we both started dating with other people (men).
For the next years, we were "just friends". She told her boyfriend about our history, and he said that if we ever wanted, he would be ok with me and her having sex. My now-ex-boyfriend was always more traditional, and I even didn't dare to share that I was bisexual.
We broke up about a year ago, one part of it was the fact that I realized that I still had feelings for my best friend and knew that he wouldn't ever understand bisexuality let alone polyamory. (There were other reasons too, but I don't think they are important for the problems we have now.)
Maybe I was a bit quick to jump into new things after the relationship ended, but the fact is that me and the friend started having sex again only a few days after the break-up, when she came to help me with moving and things. (We live about 4 hours apart nowadays, which sort of is a part of the problem too.) Of course we talked with her boyfriend first, to confirm that he really was good with the idea. He gave us the green light, and was actually very supportive for me too during all the practical stuff I needed during my moving.
So, then during the spring and summer me and this girl really started talking about how we felt towards each other. And it turned out that the crush I'd had almost 10 years back had been mutual as well as the yearning I had felt during the time that we were just best friends. I was so overwhelmed when in August we both said for the 1st time ever the I love yous. I couldn't believe how happy I was, because somehow everything I ever did with her, was somehow better, funnier and more awesome than anything else I did with anyone else, whether as friends or lovers, no matter.
This is where the trouble came in. In the summer we also had threesome with the friend and her partner. I thought we had a good face-to-face talk before it, establishing the rules. I have no love feelings towards the man and neither he does for me, but I regard him as a good friend and that's what he said he felt for me too. We did this a couple of times and afterwards I had a good feeling about it all and they both said that they enjoyed too.
BUT soon afterwards the second time, that would be about 3 weeks ago, my friend called me on skype, explaining that her partner didn't want me and her having emotional relationship. I also talked with him, to get what he meant too. He said that he was very fine with me and her being best friends that have sex from time to time but he didn't want us being lovers. (And he doesn't have any objections for continuing the 3somes.)
This weekend I saw her again, for the first time after that talk. As we live so much apart due to her work and my university, we've normally been seeing each other for once a month for the last 7 or so years, so that's normal. After the talk on skype, we decided it would be best that we discussed later on, face to face about how we felt about this new situation. And now then she said that she loves me too (and obviously her partner too) and that she feels guilty of feeling so, after he had decided about the new boundaries that were good for him.
And I really don't know where to go from here.
I don't want to hurt her partner either, he's a very nice person and obviously important for her. Selfish or not, I also couldn't bring myself to deny sleeping with her when she visited me, given the fact that it's not actually the sex that he can't approve but the feelings I and she have.
As far as I can see there are three options for the situation:
1) We'll no longer be in contact in any way.
2) We'll remain as friends, and I start looking for other people to satisfy my relationship needs.
3) We'll continue to be "friends with benefits" trying to deny that we have romantic feelings.
No 1. is the worst case scenario for me, I really cannot stand the idea of losing her over anything, so I'll do anything to prevent that from happening.
No 2. is something I maybe could deal with. I think I could probably start being just best friends with her (not to say that friendship is in anyway inferior to love). But I feel also that I probably couldn't be wholeheartedly with anyone else while I'm head over heels with her unless they were polyamoric too. And somehow I just fear that I won't have such luck.
That brings to me to no 3. At the same time I feel that a very big part of me will always have some sort of romantical feelings for this girl. I mean, I've had them for almost half of my life and not even the fact that I was seeing some one disapproving it didn't end my feelings, so I can't think of anything that would. And I think it would be harmful in the longrun for all of us if we do this sort of thing.
I mean, I cannot not think of myself being 40, and still depending on the monthly meetings with this woman for being my only relationship. If we really had a proper V -relationship where her man would agree with the emotional part too and we lived closer together, I think I could be happy. But not with the 4 hours and emotional barrier between us - it might work for a few years to come but not for my whole life.
So, what do you all think? Any advice how to start dealing with these issues? Any questions that I should be asking from myself or either of the other two persons involved? How not to feel like total idiot mooning over something that could never happen? Anything else?
Thanks in advance for your help.