Thread: Comparing
View Single Post
Old 10-04-2013, 03:37 PM
chg2winter chg2winter is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 29
Post pizza

I just wrote a blog entry about this not long ago! So I can at least share my view of things...

The gist of it

"I happen to have sex with people who have sex with other people. Specifically, the two people I currently sleep with(1) also sleep with other people. One of my partners has sex with her boyfriend on occasion. My other partner has sex with a variety of other people, male and female. I have intimate relations with other people on occasion as well(2).

When I started having sex with a sexually active partner, there was a time of feeling threatened by such a situation. After all, what if he/she was better than me? Bigger, better stamina, knew things I did not, was able to last till just the right moment? And thus, my partner would prefer this other lover perhaps and I would have a reduced amount of sex. And believe it or not, perhaps worse in my head, was a reduced amount of respect. Because from my high school chums to modern media, I’ve been taught if you can not satisfy your partner better than anyone else, you are not a “real” man. And that a “real man” will come along and take that lover away (I have been told by female identifying partners they deal with a version of this as well, but I will not speak for anyone but myself)

With this thought it mind, when it came time to make love, I would subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) bring these other partners to bed, and try to ‘beat them’. To win at being the best lover. This was both a doomed idea, as well as a stupid one. One that actually benefited those external partners by making them better lovers!

It was a doomed attempt because my level of control over some of my physical attributes is limited. Although there are things that you can do on a physical level to assist you in being a better lover, there are some things you can not effect. The size and shape of your prick or pussy is what it is. You might be able to make some adjustments (some parts are more malleable than other parts) but overall, when it comes down to it, you got what you got. My cock is exactly some number of inches (3) and has a slight down curve. And if slight down curve is not as enjoyable to you as 45 degree angle up, then, so be it. No penis pump or set of clamps will change what is.
And it was a stupid attempt not because I wanted to be a better lover, but because I was trying to be better than someone else. My mind would be on ‘how can I pleasure better than’ - and this disempowered the very thing that I (and my partners) most cherish in sexual connections; the physical + emotional + spiritual aspects that makes sex a complete sensual union. That fully connected state is what makes it more than just two people humping. More than just the a physical thing - which is where my thinking started on what I needed to be better than. It was not stupid to desire to be a better lover. It was the path of comparing myself to another that was in error, instead of simply cultivating being more of a lover.

There came a point where I was able to surrender the war on myself (I was the only one telling me stories of my failures). Once I recognized it, I realized that no one was a better lover than us. And no one was a worse lover than us. Because us can not be compared to you and he or she and he or he and he or my lover and her lover(s).

To expand upon the concept of us, you need only realize that you are an entity upon yourself, you are you. And you are the only one of your kind. And your partner is him/her, and they too are one of a kind, an individual like non other. And your partners other partners, or your other partners, by that same view, are again all separate and original and no one else is exactly like them.

If that is so, then this must be so as well - that you (an entity unlike anyone else) plus your partner (a likewise individual) create an us unlike any other. I view it as the Us entity, a third co-created being if you will that only exist in the joining of two individuals. And since the us can not be duplicated, and the us that is created via a partner and anyone else, then there is no reason to attempt to be more or better as there is in truth two different things that can not be replicated.

When a partner and I make love, and we create the new entity of Us, that is a sacred being that simply can not be duplicated. A fool errand to try. And disingenuous. My lovers love me - the sex, the contact, the interaction, the dance we have when we are between the sheets. That is what draws us together. It is not skill, but connection. And although I will never be able to replicate what my partner does with her partner, they will never be able to duplicate what we do. And that is just how it should be. Thus, comparison of partners and sexual skill might be interesting to discuss (4), there is great folly in trying to duplicate it. Instead, create your own us".

The full entry, footnotes, and pizza review, can be found here
Beyond The Love - The Polyamory Summit, 3 days of classes, social spaces, and more, this November!
Reply With Quote