Originally Posted by Cherub
I can understand some of her reasons to seek another as she says to “fill some of our gaps” on an intellectual level, but I’m struggling more on a gut emotional level.
I'm of the opinion that the Frankenboyfriend approach to dating is counter productive - for a couple of reasons.
- It's cruel to the new partner, the "stopgap" who is just a puzzle piece to be jammed into this whole. People are not puzzle pieces, they are individuals with their own advantages and flaws. Instead of trying to meet people who have a trait which fits perfectly into a slot, I suggest looking at them as a new friend, a new experience, and someone to share a part of your life with.
- It creates a sense of inadequacy which can cause undo harm to other partners. "I'm going to find someone who is smart" invariably suggests that your current partners are lacking. Try instead to focus on "I want to meet some new people and see if I hit it off with any of them. Who knows what joys I may discover". Love is an experience, not a solution to a problem.
This thought process change applies to the person who wants to date others as well as the person who needs to learn to deal with it.
Originally Posted by Hoyam
The sexual part is the part where my husband has the most needs to hear about and that makes him very insecure.
If my partner asks me about my sexual encounters with someone else, I tell them, and then I get emotional backlash or have to watch them roll around and cry because they can't "measure up", a change is going to be made. While I am not responsible for their feelings and have no intention of policing what information is good for them, I DO get to decide what situations I care to create. In this situation, I am no longer going to tell them about my sexual encounters. When they ask me for them I will be as explicit as I can in why they will no longer get these details:
"The last time I told you there was two days of your being curled up on the couch and constantly asking me to validate you because of how low you felt. While you might want to do that to yourself, I don't want to do it to *myself*, so no - I'm not telling you about it. Would you like to hear anything else about the date? I'm happy to share information which won't cause emotional trauma"
If no good is coming from an activity... stop doing it.