That is it right there.
It comes down to wanting and desiring her as my lover, wanting her to be attracted to me, and call upon me as often as she likes to fulfill her sexual desires.
Oh, and I don't feel I need to be re-assured about her going behind my back. Right now anyway. I know she would tell me and try to make me feel loved and still a major part of her life.
I meant you might feel the need to be reassured that even with another lover in the picture for her, she will still turn to you, still desire you as a lover, still will be attracted to you, etc. So you could ask her for that reassurance so you can start to feel a little better. Could ask her to re-state the things she loves about you and finds interesting in you, and re-affirm her love and commitment to you so you can be reassured.
You actually do NOT know. Because it has not yet come to pass.
You HOPE it will be so, certainly. But you do not KNOW yet.
That's where some of your jitters could be coming from -- you cannot KNOW a thing before you know it because it already happened. It hasn't come to pass yet. You can only hope it will be so when that time comes. Time will tell, and if she does follow through, then time passing will bring you the ability to relax about it.
Working yourself up over it will not help you pass the time in the meanwhile. Asking for reassurance might.
You go on about "true desire" and "true intentions" --- you could believe
your wife when she says whatever it is she says her desires/intentions are. Or you could accept that on some level you do not allow yourself to believe your wife. Could spend time figuring out why.
I get this kind of vibe from your post... I could be wrong.
"It is worth it to me to be having outside sex (that's fun but not really what I am after) because it means that I get more sex with my wife at home than before. That's what I am after -- more sex with my wife.
I have a high libido and she does not. So if she has an outside lover, and is spending her libido energy on him over there, what's going to be left for me here at home? Less?
If she thinks I'm a pest and pressuring... what do I have to offer that will bring her back? "The new shiny" that interested her before from me having another lover in T is already wearing off. Now what do I do to keep her interested in me?"
Older thread, but maybe it helps some with your anxiety.
What makes you interesting to your wife? Do you know?