Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Not about what either of you wants.
It's about what the healthy polyship needs.
If that is the shared overarching mission -- to live and love in an ethical, healthy polyshipping dynamic of some kind?
Maybe you can talk some of your stuff out with a counselor to organize it down to Cliff Notes so she's not overwhelmed and you still get to air out whatever it is you need to air out and organize your thoughts. Then BOTH get what the want/need while still serving the polyship at large's needs.
Are you needing reassurance in the dept that she isn't going to be sneaking around/cheating on YOU? If so, could ask her for it.
I think part of our communication piece is that we communicate and process everything at different speeds. I like to work through it in what, to me, seems like a logical order and talk it out. She has ADHD, and processing takes more time, so conclusions and end results aren't as clear for her. It is a process that just takes time.
She feels that our 'polyship' should just go with the flow, and I want to dissect what it might look like, feel like, so I am better prepared to accept a new relationship dynamic.
I do think that having had/or still having sex with T has actually helped our marriage. It was like the flood gates opened on our communication and sexual intimacy. Not to mention the passion came back like we had before having kids. I suppose that I am happy to just have that keep going as it is not a negative experience, but I feel that if the table was turned, how would I handle an ongoing sexual relationship for her? I tend to accept/be ok with one night stands and casual sex for her versus having what I currently feel I have which is an ongoing lover. If I am having sex with T and it has allowed M and I to have a sexually charged relationship again, it seems worth it. But if I am the one that has the high libido and she wants sex with other men, how is that going to improve my sex life with her? I'm hung up on what the intention is here. I intend to be close to M from having sex with T. M's intent is to have ongoing connected relationships with others. Not really the same. And it might be hard to swallow unless I can work out that difference.
It comes down to wanting and desiring her as my lover, wanting her to be attracted to me, and call upon me as often as she likes to fulfill her sexual desires.
Oh, and I don't feel I need to be re-assured about her going behind my back. Right now anyway. I know she would tell me and try to make me feel loved and still a major part of her life.