Here's the TL;DR ~ Should I just turn my brain off and not talk about all this stuff with my wife? Overanalzing versus Going with the Flow...And can I?
I'm finding that asking the "Why" question is causing me a some deal of conflict I need to work through. In fact the Why? thread
has triggered much of it. haha. It feels like I shouldn't analyze it in that way but these are important questions. That it will bring out some deep seeded and unresolvable difference between us as a couple. The feeling I get from the idea of my wife M having sex with other men is a mixed up blend of excitement, maybe living out a Hotwife fantasy (my wife the 'slut'), and fears that it may take us places I don't want. In other words, the unknown. This is not me thinking about a one off experience, but a lifestyle of having sex with other people openly. I am doing lots of reading about these fears and trying to get grounded in our marriage for the inevitable day she acts upon a desire and sleeps with another man. I am working through it. I have given her full permission to explore. That day will come. It does excite me sexually to think about it...It wouldn't break our marriage up, it would be a sexually charged experience for us together after, but until that day, it is about working through feelings, and my connection with her. I've read that your marriage needs to be pretty solid to work through the change from monogamy to polyamory...
M and I had an uncomfortable argument last night when I tried to talk more about our 'true intentions' and 'why' are we opening up our marriage. Mine seems to be rooted in having outside fun in order to connect and heighten the passion in my marriage (she got her libido back from me having a lover, and we finally started having sex again). I'm not interested in building deep intimate relationships with other women currently. Her intentions seems rooted in gaining connection with other people outside our marriage, with being open to explore where that would take her sexually and intimately, and that is something important to her. So, that makes me more a mono, and her more a poly. I'm not looking for casual sex with random people, but am not looking for a deep emotional connection with another woman either. Something in the middle if it helps M & I to connect as lovers again. Currently with my lover T, I'd label her as a friend that I have fun sex with and that I care about. It feels emotionally easy to break off that relationship if I or M want.
The idea of having sex with other people excites M and makes her feel less like a stay at home mom, and more like a sexy beautiful woman again. The ironic part is that as of right now I am the one having a sexual relationship with someone and she is not. But as time goes on with T (we've been having sex for over a month now), I am questioning, why am I doing this? Sure, the sex is fun. But I enjoy sex with my wife far more. The excitement that M got with me having sex with T is wearing off now though. What is exciting about hearing what I did in bed with T after the 10th time? It is getting boring for her. I think it was the quest for a shiny new thing, and it is getting dull. So, do I have sex with someone else now to get her excited again? Lather, rinse, repeat? Do you see why my intentions seem to conflict with what I am doing? I'm really enjoying making love to M after coming home, having sexual intimacy again daily, and she is sexually what I desire. But to have to sleep with someone else for that to happen seems difficult to understand. That is unless I strictly think of it as me going to T to have sex and relieve the pressure on M to be my sex partner. But is M so free to share me, because that is truly what she wants? For me to accept that she is the one that actually wants sex with others in an open and ongoing way? Probably, and something she may not feel safe to share so bluntly. Or is it that I am just struggling to accept this is what she truly desires? Where is Freud when I need him?
M says we should just go with the flow and figure it out as we go. I feel like we should try to figure out why we are doing this so we can feel that we are doing this for the right reasons.
Is M looking for other people because something is lacking for her in our marriage? Probably. There have been plenty of issues, and many that are unresolved as come out when we have an argument. One of issues for her is the pressure of having a husband that comes to her exclusively for sex. I'm the one with the high libido, and up until recently, she had none. None. We had had sex once in the previous year. When she has/had no libido, I am a pest to her. It triggers panic in her. Having a lover I can go to relieves that pressure. The same goes for trying to figure it all out. She feels pressure from me to figure it out and answer the Why question. Maybe it is because she fears she will hurt my feelings that she needs something sexually different in her life, and our intentions will bring out the obvious differences between us that may create cracks in our relationship.
I get that we can't be everything to each other, so I intellictually understand we need various friendships, connections and maybe even other sexual experiences with people that we don't get from our spouse. The fear of inadequecy pops up if I think too much about it. That's my issue to resolve and I am getting there slowly. But how do we communicate around it? She seems overwhelmed by how much I want to talk about us and becoming polyamorous! Same goes for the next thought. If her true intention of me sleeping with T is for her to have intimate connections with other people, am I the right man for her? Can I be the man she needs so she feels safe to express her desires, act upon them, and be free to do what she wants, have me be happy for her, rather than question why are we doing this? Me talking it through is my way of hopefully being that man but I feel the need to talk, talk, talk... I want to be there for her. I truly do. As I love her to death, and I want her to have a beautiful life full of love and caring. And, that I share that life with her. Why is her having sexual intimacy in relatioships with other people a hard thing for me to swallow?
I am guilty of trying to analyze, discuss and dissect everything in order to work through our path (or is it my path?). She has far less issues(none) with me having sex with other women, than I do with her having sex and having relationships with other men. In fact, I have always felt that she doesn't care at all what I do with T, because she is much more open to polyamory, having relationships in her life, and has a level of emotional detachment from sex. She has had many more lovers than me and lived a pretty free spirited sex life outside of the times she was in relationships(and even within them, which she didn't like having to be sneaky). Poly is new to me (I was much more a serial monogamist) and I need to do much more work on it to feel comfortable. Much of it may be related to her detaching sex and intimacy. She can just have sex, enjoy the moment, and move on. Or, just like she said last night, "Share the love", or "Go with the flow". I try to figure out the feelings I have after having sex with someone new. It is especially harder when you are married to your person you desire, and you are having sex with someone else in order to gain back the passion within your marriage. New feelings, fears, and how to figure it all out. Then to think I'm being encouraged to sleep with women so to bridge the gap so she can sleep with other men. I'm ok with that, but need to get to that happy spot for it to feel stable and ongoing.
After reading The Brave Little Toaster
link, I think the "quest for shiny" is a key element of her desire to explore poly in our life right now. I am at least open to try it out and do the work to get there. It has offered us an opportunity to see our marriage differently, connect in a way we couldn't before, and I hope it doesn't unearth our deeper relationship issues and create even greater chasms.
How much of this is overanalyzing (Christ, the length of this post makes it seem obvious...), or needing to start trying to focus on positive aspects of our new poly marriage, and just like she said, go with the flow...She wants our communication to feel light and fun, and I find it hard to not have a serious conversation around it...