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Old 10-01-2013, 04:06 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by Stellarmoon View Post
Even though I started as the secondary Im having a very hard time navigating being a primary. I am jealous in ways I never was with his wife or another casual relationship he had that has since ended.
This new title seems to be pretty important to how you view your relationship; you mention it several times and it is apparently a central issue. Why is that? Is the hierarchy important to the health of the relationship? Would something fundamental change if he decided "yunno what, I don't like the hierarchical classifications anymore, let's just be 'people who love each other' and leave it at that"?

Originally Posted by Stellarmoon View Post
Its a situation I had said would make me very uncomfortable, but he went with it.
Why is that? What about it made you uncomfortable enough that you told him before anything started?

Originally Posted by Stellarmoon View Post
He has told her what hes willing to do (play) and what hes not willing to do (get emotionally involved).
While I'm sure there is the rare example of this actually working, the vast majority of people who try this discover pretty quickly that emotions don't ask our permission... sometimes they happen against our best wishes.

Originally Posted by Stellarmoon View Post
When they began, I asked him that I be given respect when Im at his house. As I had not wanted to see his other relationships, I asked that I not have to see her be sexual with him (kissing in front of me for example). Now I feel like shes very careful to make sure I find evidence of her having been in his bed.
  • You never liked her, but merely tolerated her presence
  • You have made rules about how she is supposed to interact with her lover when you are around (and in HER house)
  • You presume that she is maliciously trying to injure you emotionally
  • You refuse to speak to her to make sure this situation can't get better

As an alternative approach, have you considered not putting rules on how he and his lover must function in your presence? If you want to be able to avoid any evidence of their relationship wouldn't it make more sense for him to visit you at your place?

When you say "be given respect" what you mean is for both of them to capitulate to your preference in how they conduct their relationship... in their home. This approach is probably not going to be very fruitful and appears to have had no success thus far.

I would suggest move away from focusing on the authority inherent in your position as "primary"
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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