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Old 10-01-2013, 03:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I assume you mean "mono" as "monoamorous" and not as "monogamous." Because by agreeing to participate in an open relationships, you are not currently IN a monogamous relationship and you choose to do this of your own volition.

Quote:
1) How would you navigate this situation?
I would go with "Behavior done/not done" and "examine expectations."

Could take it in chunks starting from inside and moving on out.

YOUR INTERNAL PROBLEMS

You don't like your metamour. (So? You don't HAVE to. You are allowed to not like her. Did you expect yourself to like her just because?)

Jealousy/lack of trust. (Why? Because you don't trust him to stick to agreements. Can't solve your internal prob without addressing this with him. If he's not trustworthy in his behavior you just can't trust him to deliver. )


YOUR EXTERNAL PROBLEMS WITH BF: MESSY ROOM


You go to his home. You find panties and things in the bed.

The agreement with your BF is something like...
"When I agreed to be open with him, I told him that I wanted to know about partners, but did not want to bear witness to the relationship. This means not kissing in front of me when I am visiting you. No panties and things in the bed. CLEAN YOUR ROOM"
He doesn't have to UNDERSTAND it. He has to DO it. So is he willing/not willing to do it this behavior? You called him on it and he got on the ball so that one seems solved. He cleaned up.


YOUR EXTERNAL PROBLEMS WITH BF: LACK OF FOLLOW THROUGH


If this is more to it than this one housekeeping area? He is chronically messing up other agreements to the point where you feel he just playing "lip service?"

You could take a time out to discern this:
  • Is the agreements not understood well? Need to be rephrased differently so he gets what behavior you want/don't want?
  • Is this him needing time to learn a new skill so he can do it consistently?
  • Or just how it is here? A price of admission to be in relationship with him is accepting he's chronically messing up agreements and has lack of follow thru? He has "unreliable" as a character trait?

In the end? Only you can determine what you are willing to tolerate or not and if you get enough back on the return for your investment or not.

Quote:
I feel like he only pays lip service to them. He says he agrees to the “rules” but he doesn’t really adhere to them if they go against his impulse to act.
Could ask him what makes it hard to stick to? How can you help remove this obstacle? How could he help remove it?

If it is "not willing to think ahead because I rather be impulsive?" in the end? Is it big stuff or small stuff to you? You don't have to continue to be in relationship with this impulsive person if he does not meet your need to follow through on things enough so you can trust him.

YOUR EXTERNAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR METAMOUR

You don't like her.

You go to her house where she leaves her crap around. You don't like that habit either.

You go because your shared hinge lives there and you want to see him.

You could
  • Don't go to her house and see him somewhere else.
  • Ask her not to leave her crap around directly
  • Ask your BF to deal with this -- no crap around when you come over. (HOW he deals with it is his problem -- he cleans, she cleans, who cares,. Just DO IT. )
  • Ignore the crap around.
HIS PROBLEM (?) WITH HIS NEW GF

His new GF's sloppy habits annoy his established GF and her sloppy habits do not help him keep agreements with his established GF.

a) He sucks it up and does all her cleaning for her before established GF comes over.
b) He tells her to stop being a messy person and clean her stuff up.

Quote:
2) Am I being unreasonable to request I not find her things in his room when I come over?
It is reasonable to not want to sit in other people's underpants when you visit your BF. Just ask...
"Thanks. Will the room be clean if I come? Or shall we meet elsewhere? "
Quote:
3) What advice do you have for a mono to deal with NRE?
What about the NRE behaviors that he does bother you? You are not specific beyond the room cleaning -- and he's cleaned it.

I wonder if it is lack of following through on agreements without reminders in part? That will be there later too, right? NRE or not.
  • You could accept he needs prompting to meet your personal standard and you expect yourself to remind him sometimes.
  • You could expect less of him and change your personal standard.
  • You could choose to ADAPT if it is minor. (Ex: My dad always shows up 1 hour early. So I tell him the party is at X and figure that in. I tell everyone else the party is at Y. Then they all arrive when I want!)
  • You could choose not to deal with this aspect of his character at all and break it off with him.
  • You could do something I cannot think of right now.
  • You could do a mix and match thing of the above.

(He could ALSO step up to the plate and just deliver without you asking/prompting, but that is a behavior for HIM to be doing. Not a behavior YOU could be doing. But you could ask if he's willing to do that. )

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2013 at 06:00 AM.
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