You both have very good advice and I thank you! I am having a hard time knowing that this has everything to do with me being broken (for now) and me having my issues. It is a very hard process to over come, especially because A is the one girl who we have felt like fits our life completely perfect, and we are all willing to mold and change for the parts of life that we need to compromise on.
I try very hard to not let my hormones play a part. I disappear into my music or a bath, or even meditation when I feel like its getting to a level where I cannot talk calmly and rationally. Everyone seems to understand what I am dealing with, and they help to calm my fears when I bring them up to them. I know they are both being more supportive than I have ever imagined.
I think the media does play a huge part in my insecurity. I have had two kids previously and I failed to lose the baby weight. No ones fault but my own. When A told me her measurements (5'3 and 100 pounds) my immediate thought was I am 5'2 and 150. How can I even compare. But you are right, life is not a competition and if it was, I am still a winner because of the family and life I have created. Sometimes it takes someone else showing you what you know to believe it. Another huge esteem issue I have is my stretch marks. And honestly, that is to be expected, I had two children. But I view them as 'scars' and 'wounds' and not as 'love marks' or 'a journey to motherhood' (as my husband views them).
I know he finds me attractive in a sense, but that demon in the back of my mind continues to say 'not as attractive' or when he tells me I am amazing my demon says 'not as amazing'. It is very hard to be positive and love who you are when you have something that has been engrained in you from your parents from day 1. "You arent as amazing as your sister," or "should be more like your sister" or "why couldnt you be skinny like your sister", I know that is my burden to carry and not my burden to put on everyone else. I am okay with asking for help, but not to the point where it pushes those I love away.
I have a lot of work to do before I get there, but at least I know I am in the right direction.