Originally Posted by london
When you are in a network of relationships with additional people, you also have to consider the comfort levels of those other people
My OP is referring to how new
relationship affect current (older)
relationships. And how older (current) relationship affect new ones. There is an effect on both. I understand that people already apart of a set Polyship are going to be considered when negotiating wants/needs within my relationships (it’s the sensible thing to do). I’m talking about new ones, and how they affect the network (using your terminology). My polyship is quite small, so not much of a network.
Originally Posted by london
There is a fine line between me accommodating the comfort levels of my partner, and my partner dictating the nature and pace of my other relationships. Some people might be alright with their metamour doing that so as long as people are upfront that will be the case and don't try and conceal that they exercise that sort of privileging of the primary relationship, there is nothing wrong with that.
The scenario does not have to refer to a primary type relationship, just a relationship that is settled, has a rhythm, and now is adjusting to a new relationship that may or may not actually take off.
*like anyone else*Not every person I date will actually turn out to be a new partner for me. I do however want the option for that new person to turn into more than just a friend “getting to know you “ date. So I will talk with my partner(s) about how I feel, and see how they feel, and what may need to be negotiated. I have responsibilities to the people who are already apart of my partnership, I do not have the same responsibilities to someone I’m just now getting to know. For me once I have discussed the possibility of starting a new partner/love connection with someone new (In my case this happens BEFORE I start looking to date) with my current partners, then I would need to talk to my new potential and see what their expectations are, and if what I have available will fit within their expectations, or if more negotiation needs to be made. <does that help with clarity? Or am I confusing things?>
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
Been there and done that and it sucks!
The reality is (and somehow people do seem to forget this) change is a stressor, stressors put stress on our body (good or bad stressors doesn't matter). Too many stressors simultaneously and we end up with a variety of health issues.
Exactly, change is a stressor, more change more stress. Sudden change especially when it’s a lot can be very very stressful.
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance
Unfortunately-a lot of people get up in arms over that. I have disengaged completely from our local poly group because of how horribly I was treated because I asked for a pause in forward progress while dealing with a MAJOR medical issue that resulted in hospitalization. Even though it was CLEARLY a medical issue I needed help with (which resulted in my needing more care from my partners AND our children needing more care from my partners as I was unable to do my part); the request to pause forward progress was still seen as "unfair".
A pause in forward progress, that’s all you needed/asked for. With MAJOR medical crisis and several young children. As I recall You have a LARGE "family" (including non-bio family). I think I’d be making a call for all hands on deck.
Partners, metas, grandfolks, anyone and everyone willing to lend some help.
Originally Posted by Marcus
For the record, this is a discussion forum, not an internet support group. However, if someone is being "attacked" that needs to be reported to the moderators.
Discussion sure, making judgements of a persons character over their need to negotiate to reduce the stress of sudden change within their relationship, is outside what I’d call a discussion. Perhaps we differ in that, but I don’t remember if you were one of the posters to the thread I’m thinking of.
Ok, so I am poly, and I have a long term relationship (live in, married, whatever), or two. Then I meet someone new If I decide that there is potential there, and I talk to this new person about my poly status and they are ok with it. Then I will need this new person to be understanding I am not a single who can just offer all my time to them. I have time constraints, and responsibilities (as I suspect all poly people do) that have nothing to do with this new person (or at least not yet). I’m willing to talk about what those restraints/responsibilities are, and why they are. I am also willing to make adjustments, and be flexible. I do however expect someone new to also be willing to be flexible, and understanding of my non single lifestyle.
I’ll use something that isn’t exactly poly, but that fits.
Momoiroi and her school friend want to have a sleepover.
Momoiroi discusses this with the parents.
Momoiroi’s friend discusses it with their parents.
Questions to be considered:
Whose home will they have their sleepover?
What day will the sleepover be?
When will the kids need to go home from Momoiroi home, if they stay there?
When will the kids have to go home from the friends home if they stay there?
School schedules of kids, and adults
Work Schedules of person in each home
Disruption of the normal workings of each home
Poly math works here:
Dyad between me, and Kuroi
Dyad between friends parents
Dyad between me and Momoiroi
Dyad between Kuroi and Momoiroi
Dyad between Friend and Parent 1
Dyad between Friend and Parent 2
Dyad between Momoiroi and Friend
Triad between me, Kuroi, and Momoiroi
Triad between Friend, and Parent 1, and 2
The needs of my dyad(s), and triad will be part of my discussion with Momoiroi
The needs of the friends dyad(s), and triad will be part of their discussion
My dyad/triad needs will affect their dyad/triad
Their Dyad/triad needs will affect my dyad/triad
And all of the above “needs” will affect the dyad between Momoiroi and the friend.
I am willing to negotiate within my dyad/triad for Momoiroi and friend to have their sleepover. They may not be able to get their sleep over as soon as they want, or on the day that they want. They will have to be flexible, and willing to negotiate.
The same can be said for anyone new interacting with a relationship that has an established “normal”. (Interacting with one person who is in a relationship will have an affect on the relationship even if there is no interaction between meta’s - if nothing else time management will change for the existing relationship) Flexibility, and a willingness to negotiate is needed. Even in the solo styled polyship there are established “normals” in the older longer term relationship that a new relationship will need to flexible enough to work within, or be willing to negotiate for what they are looking for.
Does stating things in this way help to see that the existing relationship isn’t “controlling” the “new” relationship? It is being affected, and consideration of the existing relationship should be seen as sensible, yes?
The existing relationship(s) don’t disappear when a poly person starts up a new relationship. And by extension the existing partners needs, and the responsibilities to those partners also do not disappear when a new relationship begins. Therefore (in my eyes) it is not just that the existing partner that needs to be accommodating to the new partner, it is also the new partner who needs to be accommodating to the existing partner(s). Again I acknowledge that this “accommodation” isn’t as big for the solo polyists.