Thread: Why??
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Old 10-01-2013, 01:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,086

I am sorry you are upset.

Ok so if you are mono and your partner is poly what exactly are you gtg out of them being in a relationship with new people?
Is that is what is being asked of you at this time?

"Are you willing to participate in a polyship with me?"

While they are experiencing new firsts and all the excitement of being with someone new what are you gtg out of it really?
Only you can answer that for yourself if you are the monoamorous partner in a polyship.

If you are not willing to participate in a polyship because you are monoamorous AND monogamous, you just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in a polyship with you." Could keep it simple.

And why do I or any mono people have to work thru our jealousies or dig deeper to find out what the issue is like why am I jealous?
You only have to do that if you

a) agree to participate in a polyship as a monoamorous person (and you do not have to)
b) Experience those issues in your polyship.

It is normal to feel that way...yes you can love multiple children, yes you can love your friends and family. It is not the same thing as the person you share your life with to go and share all those things with someone other than you. It is NOT the same thing. I hate the comparison of kids or family or friends.
It is totally OK and normal to be monoamorous and have the desire/capacity to love only one adult partner at a time.

It is totally OK to want your relationship shapes to be monogamous and exclusive. There is nothing wrong with wanting that for yourself. Relationships come in all shapes, and you are allowed to like the shape you like best!

But for you to actually have and share that kind of relationship with someone? Your partner also has to want the same thing or it is just not a runner.

Disappointing, but there it is. People wanting different relationship shapes are not compatible.

And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?
You don't have to do that.

His happiness coming out of your hide is not a very kind or loving expectation to have.

If he expects this? He is too selfish.

If you expect this? You are too selfless.

Both could think about becoming "self-full" -- where you meet your OWN needs and that of OTHERS in a balanced way. Not all skewed one way or the other.

I have put my wants, needs, feelings, you name it on a backburner for this person. He has had his cake and eaten it too numerous times and really throughout our ENTIRE relationship.
If in the past you have agreed to participate in a relationship where the expectation is that your own wants/needs are on the back burner, you were not looking out for your own best interests.

You could stop doing that.

Its just gtg to the point of enough is a enough and maybe we are not right for each other.
If you know already right NOW that it is apples and oranges here? Better to not attempt to polyship. Better to plan a clean split and set each one of you free with a clean slate.

Then you are free to seek a "monoship" with a new partner.

Your ex is free to seek a "polyship" with a new partner.

Neither of you has to experience more UGH than necessary trying to make a fundamentally incompatible thing fly when it just won't fly.

Again, disappointing, but there it is.

Some things in life are not "win or lose" but "which one stinks least?"

The only way I can see a (monoamorous AND monogamous person) working out with a (polyamorous person) is

a) the monoamorous and monogamous person is willing to listen to and share the poly person's thoughts and feelings rather than ignore that side of them. They OPEN UP enough to do that for their spouse so their spouse can be themselves with them.

b) The poly person willingly CLOSES to monogamous shape for their partner in return for that understanding, because they understand their partner needs this for them.

Both "get back" getting to be with each other because they love one another and they have come to a workable compromise where each is putting something in for the other one's benefit. If both are not willing to do that, then it will not fly.

His happiness has always come before mine but I am just gtg kinda tired of it. Like why? Just be single. If you want to date, go meet new people, have all these new experiences then let me go and go do that.
I am curious.

Basically he wants to OPEN the marriage... but only on his side? You resent it ALL or mainly the fact that he wants to keep you CLOSED and you don't get to have those new experiences also?

If it were open on BOTH sides would that change your willingness to participate? Or even THEN you still would not want to be participating in a polyship? I am not clear on where your upset it at -- all of it in general is not for you, or this offer he gives you is not for you?

I do see you are upset though. And again... I am very sorry you are going through this. It does not sound fun.

I suggest getting clearer on what is being asked of you, and if it is NOT any kind of yummy cookies for you too? Just say "No, thank you. I am not willing to participate in that offer."

What comes after that? You pick one of these and flesh out the details:
  • He lets go of this want, and you both remain in a monoship together.
  • He presents you with a yummier offer for an open model relationship where there's perks for you too and not just only perks for him. You both agree to stay together, but in a new model. An ethical non-monogamous one.
  • You part ways because of incompatible future goals/wants/needs.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2013 at 02:14 AM.
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