Originally Posted by WhatHappened
I agree. I don't see her as an innocent victim, definitely. And as I said, a flaw of the system, trying to treat two people as primaries, when clearly only one really is. And obviously highly unfair to you.
She never had any other 'primary' partner of her own during all this? Just curious.
I do see great hope for your family, and for what it's worth from a stranger on the internet, I'm glad to see it going as it has with you and Ry re-building your marriage and family.
She could've had a primary partner. She chose not to. I can't fault my wife because she encouraged her to find a primary. She knew her limit was two and that as much as she wanted her to be a co-primary, time constraints meant it wasn't possible. In name? Yeah. She integrated her as much as she could. Holidays, birthdays, family functions, antenatal appointments, and the like. She encouraged it more so after she was set her in career and the kids came along.
Where it went down was when Ryl was presented with the proposition to close, she then had to meet the needs of the marriage, her job, our expanding family, and contend with being not only her ex-girlfriend's only relationship but primary. Going from one of however many to being the only one put her at a disadvantage because she pushed herself to be available for me and her. I'm not mad at her for doing that. I respect that she loved her ex-girlfriend, and she was happy with her. Pushing herself that hard to be a mother, wife, girlfriend, and have a full-time career meant something and eventually everything was going to suffer. When she was describing this in therapy, it sounded overwhelming. I guess because she loved her, she didn't want to let the relationship go. I can respect that.
The communication went down at an accelerated speed. I don't think most of what my lady did was intentional. Of all the things, I'm mad at her for not listening to me and letting certain things go on. She could've stopped it. She made me feel like I was losing it when I'd mention my suspicions. I was told I was overreacting or that she wasn't that involved. When it came to the kids, I was told that she loved them as much as I did and was a co-parent, so she had the right to have a say in how they were raised, schools they attended, and all that parental stuff. The issue with this co-parent idea? I wasn't included in that decision to make her one. I found at after the fact, and by then, I just had to sit back and watch it unfold.
Her relationship's demands kept growing, and she felt like she had to keep up with them. What her career wasn't taking out of her, being a mum and girlfriend did. We all know when you have kids, say bye to the sex life, sleep, hanging with mates, and anything you did before them for awhile. What did that leave me with? The minimum. A wife in name only, being neglected, and seeing her on some days for as little as 10 minutes. All the while, she was maintaining weekly date nights, an overnight, and spending half of Sunday with her. Additionally, she had lunch with her on certain days. She was at our home for dinner. She had overnight stays at our home from Friday to Saturday. I have no doubt she was seeing her no less than 5/7 days. Some weeks it was 7 for 7. I worked with her from 2011 to this year, so I was always always around her. Never had a break. We didn't have a two-person marriage. Snowflake was the third party in our marriage. Towards the end, her ex-girlfriend was at our home so much that she might as well had moved in. There was no balance or fairness. Equality? Nah. None of that. She was so secure in the fact that we were married, that she let the marriage shoot to hell to maintain the relationship. Is it hard to see why I'm questioning her commitment to monogamy?
What did me in were things like her ex-girlfriend being allowed to pull the plug on year long plans to relocate because she didn't want to move. It was later revealed that she did that to spite me, but that wasn't discovered until months later. My wife and I had already purchased and started extensive renovations on our home, landed jobs, and taken all the steps towards moving, and in the eleventh hour, she said she didn't want to move. My lady being my lady didn't want to leave her. She asked me to reconsider, and I told her I wasn't doing it and she was welcome to stay but the kids were going. Where she went wrong? She and her ex-girlfriend started making a second set of plans behind my back. That's where the being undermined as a parent argument came from. They were planning their futures like I didn't matter, and I'm their dad. I found out after the plans were in place. That's when I stopped trusting my wife and questioning her every move regarding them.
Throw in the demanding girlfriend, who secretly had it out for me, the lack of respecting boundaries, lack of balance, lack of fairness/equality, the lack of communication and listening on my wife's part, and her push for an interdependent model to further the angle of equal co-primaries and co-parents? The only way for it to go was down.