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Old 09-30-2013, 05:15 PM
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Default Thinking Out Loud, Part 2

So, to recap...
- We have the "people see P & M1 as the 'legit' relationship" feelings floating around.
- We have the "do I have to out myself" worries as well, surrounding Christmas
so let's now add Facebook to the mix (ugh... Effing Facebook).

Negative Moment #3:
Saturday, P and I did a LOT (a looooooot) of work around the house while the kids kept each other occupied. Feeling like a gregarious wiseass, I updated my Facebook status to indicate that yay, we got a lot of shit done, but boo - poor P ended up stung in the neck by one of the bees we'd inadvertently pissed off. Apparently, I ran over a ground nest with the mower. Lots of angry bees flying around. Oops.

Now, I love the fact that FB offers a GREAT way of keeping in touch with family I don't often see. My uncle and two aunts both commented on that post, and it's fun to see what we're all doing. Especially since my Uncle is a tractor guy and he likes seeing the posts regarding P getting his tractor working (which he drove around the yard for the first time EVER on Saturday - woot!).

M1 responds as well, with what sounds like an extremely worried post about P not being allergic, or he would have let her know, and she's hoping he's all right.

To which I thought, "Oh, here come the questions from the relatives!"

There was a bit more back and forth - I reassured both M1 and my aunt that yes, he's fine, but I was pretty wound up about having possibly been outed to my family and friends in a FB comment. I was already a bit emotional due to the holiday thing, and while I understand her worry, I was aggravated that it didn't end up as a text or phone call, but ended up on my FB feed.

So this fed my feelings about the next thing... and I know that, if the emotions hadn't been running hot, I probably would have shrugged it off. It's a personality difference between me and M1, and I don't even know if I should bring it up at the powwow, to P, or just rant about it here and suck it up. This is where typing to the blog will help just get the thoughts together... I hope. Apologies to anyone still reading - you're now the "YouAreHere is processing while typing" guinea pigs.

Facebook again. Right after the whole "did she just out me to my family?" thing, I notice P's status from the night before - basically a "hey FB, I haven't been around much. <wave!>." A handful of comments from folks to say hey, we missed you, how's things, bla bla.

M1 has responded to EVERY comment on P's status as though they were directed at her. "Waves back!" "I missed you too!" Stuff like that. And it's grinding my gears at the moment.

It goes back to the "P and M1 are looking like the 'legitimate' relationship" thing from the beginning of the post. She's acting as welcoming committee - the public face to P's Facebook wall when he's not there.

I'm not as Facebook-gregarious as she is. I know this is a personality difference (I prefer to friend people I actually know and don't want to go out and friend everyone he knows just because they're tied to him). I AM gregarious with my friends and family, but when comments are directed toward other people, they're not mine to respond to. So, yes, we're both VERY different on this front.

But it also just feels territorial to me. That she's treating him and his FB comments as her territory. In the process, she's getting the "name recognition" and further cementing her status as "primary" in everyone's eyes, while I remain fairly quiet and hang back. I realize it shouldn't matter - what people think doesn't impact what our relationship really IS, but it's nice to have the recognition and validation. It's the difference between the politician who puts up signs all over the neighborhood and "um, that other guy, what was his name?"

And this is where I just want my inner Spock to come out and tell my emotions to fuck off. She has reassured me many times over that she is just not a territorial person. I have no place even getting upset about this. It's her modus operandi, not mine. I've already (a year or so ago) struggled with this difference, tried to be as FB-gregarious as she is, and HATED it, so I stopped trying to be something I'm not.

(Anyone who is friends with me on FB is reading this like "who the hell ARE you? You're pretty damn gregarious, or we're going to have to redefine that word!" Yes, I am, but within my circle of friends and family. It takes a lot to get me to befriend people just because P knows them, and I've done that only by request).

I don't know if I'm going to bring this one up - it's not my place to get tweaked about how she talks with people. If I feel publicly steamrolled, then I need to speak up in public myself.

Bah. Good thing there's a week before we get together. Maybe I can work some of the holiday angle out through P beforehand, and the emotional BS will subside enough to see the other stuff a bit more clearly. One step at a time, I guess... Anyone still reading? You get a cookie. You sure as hell deserve one.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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