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Old 09-30-2013, 05:05 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
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Default Thinking Out Loud (or, "talk til ya puke" isn't good if it's more 'puke' than 'talk')

Okie dokie... Over the character limit, so you get two posts... Yay?

Update from the last post: the whatzit in my right breast is a "complex cyst", so no worries. It got a little hairy when I went in for the followup mammo, then for an ultrasound, then for ANOTHER ultrasound - my 15 min. appointment stretched on for an hour. However, the news at the end was worth it, so yay that.

Some interesting emotional observations this weekend. We have a powwow coming up next week, and I'm trying to figure out what to bring up, and what not to. I think some of this is "own my own feelings" territory, but I also remember from experience that not acknowledging it can breed resentment. Oh boy.

Stream of consciousness / rant / thinking-out-loud follows - I'm processing via typing, so consider yourselves warned. None of this shit is worked out yet in my head...

(As an aside, although this is a blog thread, posts that offer up constructive criticism are always welcomed and will be taken in the spirit in which they were offered. It is, of course, up to me whether or not to actually TAKE any advice that's offered, but it's still appreciated.)

So... Let's begin with Negative Moment #1:

P and I started discussing the holidays, and that we'll need to plan them out fairly soon (is it almost October already?! WTH!): Samhain, Thanksgiving, Christmas... P's mom hosts Christmas Eve every year. Last year, the kids and I were invited (along with P, M1, P's sister and her family (and the new grandbaby), P's son was there after having just come back home from the other tip of the country) - it was a LOT of people. My mom calls me up, last-minute, saying that she had nowhere to go for Christmas, and can she spend it with me.

This is my mother. Of COURSE she can spend the holiday with me. Except, well... plans. I asked P if his mother would mind if I brought MY mother. I know it's an imposition, so I wanted to be delicate about it. "No" was definitely an option, and I would have been okay with that (other than having told the kids one thing, and then pulling the rug out from underneath them). She said sure, I called her to thank her about it, and we had a very odd, but busy Christmas Eve.

Last week, P (obviously not liking being put in the role of "messenger") mentioned that his mom felt odd about it all last year, it was a year of a lot of upheaval, etc., and she felt uncomfortable with it all. He wasn't sure what my plans were with my mom, but he didn't believe the invitation would be extended this year to her.

It's P's mom's event and all, and I completely understand. But I did make it clear to P that if my mom needs someone to be with, then I would not be attending the festivities at his mom's house. I won't tell the kids anything until we have something firmed up, and I'm okay with not being there, given the possible circumstances.

Except, competitive and comparative thinking is not my friend. Well, it is for work. It always was for school. I have been conditioned for it my entire life, and it works very well, except for here.

My emotions go traipsing down the path of, "If this were a traditional relationship, would she be okay with shutting me out of the family celebration? Is it okay because he's bringing M1 and well, that's enough?"

Which then ends up feeding the wolf that says, "Because M1 is closer in proximity to P's family, she's got the recognition. She's THE partner. She's the one they see all the time. Maybe my relationship with P isn't real to them, or isn't seen as important - after all, I didn't pick up my life to move in with him. She did. Maybe that shows them that his relationship with M1 is more legitimate, or something, than ours."

The spiral of negative thinking is really easy to get caught up in. When you're feeling that way, it can cloud the way you think about other things. The wolf has been fed.

Negative Moment #2:
So... in discussing Christmas and Christmas Eve, P suggests that maybe I preempt the question from my mom by making plans with her for Christmas Day and not the day before.

A little back story from last year: Christmas Day fell on a day where P would have stayed with me. M1 spent the day with us as well, since I'd have to be an asshole to want her to spend Christmas away from P. We had a really nice time all together, and with mom as well (thank goodness my relationship with P is out to my mom and sisters), and I learned WAY more about my mother than I ever wanted after a game of Cards Against Humanity. Wow.

This year, though, P suggested going up to my mom's, with M1 in tow.

I'm internally balking at this, mainly because, if we're going to plan this in advance, I'd like my mom to spend time with HER family and plan that as well - invite my grandparents and my aunt up - and do the family thing with them. And they don't know anything about the particulars of the relationship - that M1 is also P's partner - and I'd feel that (A) she'd be a fish out of water, and (B) we'd be dealing with "who the hell is THAT?" (There are other reasons I'd balk - my mom is a recovering hoarder whose house has just been fixed up, but still has signs of decay and old cigarette smoke from years of neglect, and I don't think she'd be comfortable with us bringing M1 anyway).

I know M1 is P's family, but I don't see her as *mine*. I'm reluctant to bring M1 along to something I see as time with *my* family. This one definitely needs more thought... I'm torn between ignoring the whole family thing (which I don't want to do), or outing myself at this point so that it's either a non-issue, or the issue is out in the open. And I don't know that outing myself would really solve anything, anyway, since I don't know if my mom would even want M1 to come up. And yes, I recognize the irony here, between this situation and the one with P's mom. I recognize it all too well.

Negative Moment #3, and the final ingredient in the recipe for Emotional Roller Coaster Upside-Down Cake:
(To be continued)
Dramatis personae:
Me: 47/F, Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, fish, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 48/M, Partner of 6 years.
Spinner: 52/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 47/F, Chops' partner of 6 years
Curls: 50/F, Chops' partner of 1 year

Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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