So, I decided to do something to make things seem less scary, and that is confronting my fears head-on. I invited a friend of mine to join us so he could give her oral with me there. Watching him with her incited little twinges of jealousy but wasn't that scary, honestly.
Then something happened that was both emotionally disturbing and super-enlightening and good. He and I had sex with her there (with my head on her breasts), and afterward we all showered together. I felt cuddly as I usually do after orgasms, but he seemed weirdly disconnected, and it was really upsetting.
After she left, I told him I needed physical contact, and he didn't seem to understand, but after I explained how important it was, he curled up with me.
We talked about how I felt, and he explained that because she's a freshman and therefore may be vulnerable, he'd chosen not to let himself connect emotionally to the situation. What had happened in the threesome between him and me had therefore been "just sex," the kind of purely physical sex he has with people he's not emotionally close to. I had found it so alien because between us, it's never been just sex. He had feelings for me pretty much from the very beginning! So this was the first time we had sex without emotions attached. I hated it. Not doing that again.
Me, I hate purely casual sex because of my brain and hormones and whatever. I only have sex with people I care about as romantic partners or friends. I find it awful to feel weird cuddly feelings toward near strangers, as I have before.
He doesn't feel that way. For him, feelings make sex better, and sex doesn't cause feelings. He's just wired differently, and I didn't understand until now!
Usually our sex is extremely intimate and intensely
emotional, so I was disturbed by this sudden unemotional sex with no cuddling after.
And when we talked, I realized... If this is what sex means to him minus feelings, it's actually no big deal. It's like how I view kissing - just bodies, nothing to do with my heart unless I particularly like someone.
At some point maybe he'll have feelings for another person, and if/when he does, I'm sure it will be someone really special that I'll care about, too, in whatever way, and we'll get to that when we get to it. But this was really enlightening and explains why he's always been okay with me sleeping with other people and a bit baffled by my insecurities.
Faced my fears. It was kind of awful even though it was physically pleasant. But now everything makes sense, and I'm pretty sure after I process this I'll give him permission to sleep with our other friend, because suddenly I understand.