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Old 09-30-2013, 06:30 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 73

Originally Posted by london View Post
Have you considered that it might just be because you are monogamous, you worked through your co dependency issues enough to enjoy casual dating but now you've found the one, you naturally want monogamy because that is what you are wired for. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't need to be fixed in any way. Some people see the actual monogamy part of relationships as a sacrifice, but a necessary one, others don't. I'd argue that those who don't see it as a sacrifice probably have a better chance of successful monogamous relationships but plenty of people live with the sacrifice perfectly happily. You're probably one of those.
This is a really good thing to think about! Thank you. I've thought before about whether I might be monogamous, but truly... I'm not. My greatest desire is for a poly family - a triad especially, but I'd also be happy with a V or an N. I think I would prefer to be flexibly polyfi - occasional outside partners but nothing too serious unless we wanted to bring them into the family. I love so many people in so many ways that I don't think my romantic drives are just going to shut off once I have a romantic life partner - and my sex drives certainly won't! (I've already slept with someone else, in fact, which felt good and really just made me want my boyfriend more. He had manual sex with a mutual friend of ours and said afterward he just wanted to cuddle with me. )

Originally Posted by GalaGrl View Post
Because you are in a "new" thing with him now. He is now "committed BF person" and while he's agreed to it and your shared agreements? You have not time spent in this mode to see if he can "deliver" -- the relationship is not secure yet. In this new role, he's new to you. You don't know him very well as "committed BF person." So of course you feel wiggy sometimes. It takes time for the "new normal" to become "old normal."
This is just what I needed to hear. Thank you.

Originally Posted by GalaGrl View Post
Did previous "committed BF's" not deliver? Where you cheated on? Is it something else? What kind of jealousy is it?
It's the visceral, purely emotional kind... an instinctive response, and I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from, but it feels like it's coming from fear that his feelings will change upon sleeping with other people? It doesn't make rational sense... except...

In the past, I've dated people I liked a lot who said they were very into me but it turned out they were not being completely honest with themselves and/or me. I think this situation is a bit difficult for me in that sense. I need time to believe he's not going to leave me for a silly reason, though he's given me know reason to think he will. In fact, he's already the kindest, most affectionate, and most attentive boyfriend I've ever had.

Originally Posted by GalaGrl View Post
Is it not so much him but his sex partner that wigs you out? The whole "Fear of the unknown stranger?" Could spend some time there sorting it out.
His potential partner is a close friend of mine, but yeah, it's been awhile since we've had a good talk. We've also been disagreeing on some important things lately (I'm a feminist and she doesn't identify as such, and she says some real bullshit). That said, I would like to get to know her better again, both emotionally and sexually, because I think she's changed a lot recently and let go of a lot of monogamous myths she'd held onto. I like her as a person.

There's another potential partner that is into both of us and whom we're both into, and I'd love to sleep with her together, too.

Originally Posted by GalaGrl View Post
I think it could be a combo of just letting time pass and actively doing things to decrease your anxious, jealous feelings.

Nothing new under the sun.
Yeah, in the past couple of days we've been more communicative about feelings and he's told me some really hot detailed stories of people he's kissed and such, and it's helped a lot! Making it not be so unknown and scary is a really good thing.

Thanks for helping me normalize these feelings for myself.

Originally Posted by GalaGrl View Post
You let it GO knowing that you are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking behavior.

(I am assuming you are not also having a health condition where the emotional volume goes WAY up. (ex: depression, bipolar, etc). That could mean a different approach than "sit with it, let it pass.")
I do struggle with anxiety and occasionally depression, but I'm pretty neurotypical at this point in time. I am, however, under a lot of stress right now. It's harder to control my own thoughts, but that is a very good mantra to hold onto: "You are not your thoughts. You are the person DOING the thinking behavior."
Me: 22-year-old female, cis and queer, have identified as poly for ~2 years, currently in my first committed poly relationship

A: Poly boyfriend since 9/17/13, currently sexually open and not seeing other romantic partners but open to such in the future
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