Thread: Cracking Open
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Old 03-04-2010, 07:34 AM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350

I realize I'm not going to be able to sleep properly if I don't share all of this.

Coming out as poly over the past couple years has changed so many things for me. I'm in another stage of that now and need to process it.

I'm used to feeling embarrassed about the way that I love. Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea that it was rediculous to have a crush on so many people, so I haven't felt comfortable expressing the times that I do. I can seriously have a crush on someone every week. I can think of at least a dozen people in my life at this moment that I have had some kind of thoughts about.

I used to try to squish the intensity of my feelings into one person and oh boy, those poor people. I'm now overcoming my shyness about how many and how much I like.

Another thing I'm facing is a sense of guilt for not being able to give the same kind of love to everyone. Some people I am fascinated by. Others I feel completely enamored with. Some I like some of the time, but not all of the time. Others I will love for the rest of my life and could wipe drool from their chins when they're 90.

On top of this, I am capable of loving someone and not wanting to be intimate. Sometimes, cuddling and holding hands does it for me. Sometimes not.

The "typical" poly scenario I keep hearing about involves a long-term couple that opens up. There's always a base couple that extends outwards.

I don't have this. I came out as poly after being single for two years and meeting someone who told me about it. So, it's been a journey to discover what it means for me as an individual, not as a poly couple.

Poly in my life is turning out to be more of a capacity to develop a variety of relationships with varying intensity. What I'm wondering is how to go forth with this nature of mine without hurting others.

What does it mean for the those I love and those that love me? I don't want to hurt anyone by loving them differently than someone else or worse, differently than how they love me.

A year ago, after leaving the man I was living with, I chose to take a year off from getting into anything serious with anyone in order to really be with myself and reevaluate everything. I'm just coming up on a year. So, this new page is opening up. There are so many unknowns.

I need to work very hard to move past the fear that sharing an intense, spiritual, physical connection with one person and then sharing an intense connection with someone else is not going to hurt either of them.

How do you come to feel a sense of security that it's ok to forget about your partner for a night so you can have fun on a date? And that it's ok to share the intimate, secret things you've shared with your partner with another person?

I still need to figure out, if I crush so easily, how to decide who to pursue something more with and who to just flirt with and enjoy the crush. How do you know??
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
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