It may settle. I have my doubts.
I've kept my opinions about polyamory to myself, and it worries my wife and therapist. The therapist has this belief that I need to reconcile my feelings about polyamory. I'll never look down on something she believes in, and I'll continue to respectfully decline to say anything about it. Our therapist thinks I'm holding back, and I am. It's to protect my wife's feelings. She feels bad enough about everything else. Its been hard to watch her cry because of feeling empathy for me. We can't change the past. Why throw salt in an open wound? I'm good on that. I'll reconcile internally and avoid causing her any pain. For the record, I don't inherently have a problem with theory or logic of it. Practise? That's another story.
Fact is, I'm at a crossroads. I love my wife with all that I am, but if she tells me that she needs another relationship, I'm as good as done with the marriage. I've tried to refrain from coming right out and saying this because I didn't want her to do anything because of me. I plan on being upfront about what my re-commitment to this marriage entails. I'm still figuring that out. Can I live with that kind of marriage? I just don't think I can vibe with that kind of marriage again. I gave up the need for monogamy and have regretted it. This may be the lack of trust speaking, but at the crux of it all, I question her ability to give up wanting other relationships permanently, which is why I'm pushing myself to be open to tolerating something I don't believe in or understand. I'm not expecting this to last, and I'm not betting on Ryl sticking to monogamy. Sorry to say, but that's just another way to end up disappointed.
I've already learned that I can't handle all that comes with this territory. I realise not every polyamorous person is like that vindictive ex-girlfriend of hers, but it's too much of a risk to ever expect anything different. This is a hard limit, and expecting time to change it? Nah. There are days where I'd rather be a bachelor than be part of a polyamorous marriage. This temporarily closed marriage doesn't feel like the right solution. I don't doubt that she's happy right now, but that could change at the drop of a hat. That's where I'm coming from. My opinions are no reflection on Ryl or her beliefs, but some days I wake up and think, I'd rather break her heart, free her, and walk away than even consider the polyamory thing again because I can't take any more blows. I'm still putting her before myself, and I don't get why. It's gotta be comfort and familiarity. I've done it for this long and anything different feels foreign. I have some shit to work out.
I don't think monogamy is superior to polyamory. It's not my view. I respect it from the stance of...cool, do you and do it well but it's not for me, and I don't want to be associated with it. I don't have positive experiences with it. Why would I want to be associated with something that made me question almost every day of the past five years with her and that scarred me for life?. I know what the polyamorous folks are going to say. I'm forcing her into a box [monogamy], threatening divorce if she doesn't do what I want [forsake all others], and I'm exhibiting controlling and manipulative behaviour [limiting her freedom and hanging a divorce and bitter custody dispute over her head]. In truth, I have limitations, and I don't want a repeat of history. Surely I won't get vilified for being honest with her, eh? My wife is an adult wife a brain of her own. I didn't force her to close the marriage. I asked for time to get my bearings.
Honest admission? I'm drowning in this polyamorous whirlpool and want out more than anything. I'm fighting against what feels natural because I don't have the right to tell her who or what she needs to be. That's why I'm still here. I don't know if I'll ever find a way to be able to live with it, but I'm exhausting all options before I tell her that I can't. Amazing how I'm "bitter" but I'm still trying to find a way to support her even though I got burned by this shit badly. Man. Can't win for losing.
I don't do feelings, but I'm hurting. I don't need her or anyone to fix me or feel sorry me, so I keep most of this to myself. Some days are harder than others. Its been a daily struggle. I'm ace today, but I may wake up tomorrow and a wave of disdain may hit. I'm broken and half of who I once was. My defences are still down, and I haven't regrouped completely. I'm not letting her or that ex-girlfriend of hers get the rest of me. I died inside. I don't know when I'll ever feel like myself or whole again. I can't let her be the slow death of me a second time around. I fear letting my guard down and letting her walk her way back into my heart. I do shut her out when I feel like she's getting too close. I still don't feel comfortable opening up to her much outside of therapy.
Folks are pushing for me to bounce back without taking time to heal. Let me do this the way I need to. Let me work out my feelings I have surrounding this. I have to learn how to love my wife and trust her with my heart again with no outside distractions, cowgirls, or any of it. I have to do this in my own time with no one breathing down my neck. It's not going to happen overnight. It might not happen at all.
Last edited by Matt; 09-30-2013 at 12:36 AM.