HAHA, whenever lots gets bottled up inside me, it tends to come out as a song. This one hasn't happened yet, but...
So, I think I will explode if I don't get some of this off of my chest. For someone who swore off relationships a year ago, I certainly have a lot to say about them.
This isn't going to be one of those intelligent posts where I inspect one aspect of poly life and flush it out. This is just me having a lot on my plate and needing to process it with people who appreciate insight and poly intricacies.
I've been lovers with 'D' for about a year and a half. And it's never felt satisfying to me.
I'm her only female lover at the moment and I think also the only one who seems to have any needs with her. Since the beginning, I've felt frustrated by how seldom she's actually within reach. The first year or so, she was away and rarely near a phone, so there were occasional emails. From my end, it felt like she was zipping here and there and I was hanging, waiting, waiting.
She moved somewhat close by a few months ago. Since then, circumstances haven't been right and we haven't had much of a chance to connect on either a physical or emotional level. Life has been busy for both of us.
I told her that I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay lovers and was reevaluating that for myself. I requested that we have more emotional connected. We agreed that what we needed were regular, scheduled times to talk. I attempted this at least half a dozen times and she kept scooting off.
Long story short, I told her that I didn't want to be lovers anymore. That it would be much easier for me if I rejigged within myself the nature of our relationship so that I didn't keep feeling hurt.
She said that she was grumpy and just didn't want to deal
Just how secondary does a secondary need to be?!! If I'm sharing my body with someone, I need something more than "hi" once a month. *sigh* I feel really sad. I also feel selfish. Like somehow my need for her unavailable time is demanding way too much.