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Old 09-29-2013, 03:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,845
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You have an emotional attachment. Great.

Does she have an emotional attachment BACK? (I am not sure from how you write. Until then, there is no connection. It's just a one way street so far in my mind.)

Is this even the relationship shape you prefer? Nope. So why be in it?

Quote:
I asked her out on a date(first in 3 years for me) and things heated up very quickly. Too quickly for most of the people in my life. She moved in after two weeks and we had a relationship for about three months.
So you were ripe to be an easy target? I am sorry I cannot think of a nicer way of saying that. Sigh.

But that's a valid concern your friends and family might be trying to hold up to you. That because you have been without romantic attention for so long and might feel lonely, you are easy to take advantage of by a certain type of sweet talkin' user-y person.

Quote:
Her cheating though made me feel like I was inadequate. Not good enough. No one wants to feel that.
Her cheating demonstrates she is not trustworthy. It has nothing to do with you. If she finds you incompatible, she could break up with you nicely and cleanly and respectfully. To cheat? That's not nice, clean, or respectful.

Quote:
But after a week, we started talking again. Only reason I did was because she had been so honest with me. We rekindled our relationship and she began talking about polyamory and swinging.
That might be the "surface" reason you give yourself... but I think the core reason was because you have BEEN lonely, and she gave you attention. You were hoping "to make it work" so you don't have to be lonely.

She brings up open relationships AFTER she cheatson you and you guys broke up? Basically she sweet talks you and you go for it? This is not ethical polyshipping or ethical swinging. This is not being "her open and honest now."

This is "play him a song and see what it takes to weasel on back" sounding to me.

In the end? Whatever the packaging or spin she gives it with her TALK? Now she gets to fuck how she wants, rather than limiting herself to you in her BEHAVIOR and better still -- doesn't have to take the trouble to be discreet and hide it. She can be all kinds of FRESH and you are "ok" with it.

You still aren't happy, dude. You are not compatible sounding. And you seem like you are struggling to accept that this is not cool here inside yourself. You want it to be cool, but it isn't. Or at least that is how it sounds to me. Your emotions are battling your logic. That's inner conflict.

Your family and friends are not in NRE mode. I'd listen to these concerns!

Is she basically using you to be her bill paying roomie and fucking you once in a while to make it "ok?"

Will it progress to this? ---
"How little can I give him but still get all I want out of him? Less talks? Less cuddles? Less affection? What's the bare minimum I have to put out so I get lots back from him?"
Quote:
I think what I am feeling is due to insecurity, like you said, from the fear of her just ending our relationship.
I think you feel ugh because you already know she's not trustworthy; she broke agreements with you before, and you still signed up for more.

This is less then self-respecting behavior. You could respect yourself more and not sign up for shenanigans.

Fear of ending it why? Because you hadn't had a date in 3 years and you don't want to be "alone again?" This is healthy reason to stay in a less than satisfying and not trustworthy relationship with her?

Quote:
I guess when it all comes down to it, I need to be stronger and stop being afraid of what could happen.
Yep.

Quote:
"I should be happy with what I have and enjoy the time I spend with her. Be happy that she is happy and happy that she is out enjoying herself. I need to focus on the emotional connection we have."
Nope.

I bothers me that nowhere in that quote do you talk about YOUR happiness. If this is a mutual SHARED happy, great. Carry on! But you are posting here so you don't sound happy to me.

This "indifference" could also be "going numb" and it's on the path to depression. I don't know if you could be in this boat. If so, you could guard against it by not exposing yourself to people who suck your mental health down like that.

You seem to be basically saying "I should just settle for what I get with this cheater even if I'm not happy because it is at least better than being alone again. Help me be ok with this less than self respecting behavior."

Is that your line of thinking here and what you are trying to "get good with"?" If so? I cannot support that.

Could go another way though.
  • You could decide a whirlwind one-sided relationship is not healthy for YOU. Might be great for her, but you do not exist only to serve her at your expense.
  • You could choose to end it, and date other people and find someone who is more compatible.
  • You could not fear that it might take a while to find this better quality, more compatible person.
  • You could remember you will have family and friends for social health to get you through this dating patch so you are not lonely even while working on your romance search.
  • You could spend some time thinking about self respecting behaviors you do / do not do and how they help build up your self esteem / drain your self esteem. What do you do that you can be proud of?
  • If you ARE on the path to depression? You could see a doctor and get back on the path to health.

Every behavior you do? It either ADDS or TAKES AWAY from your life enjoyment.

In the romance department? If sticking around with her is sucking you dry? Could stop sticking around with her.

Not all choices in life are "win or lose." Some are "which stinks less?" and in this case? (Being alone and dating new people to find a compatible partner) sounds less stinky to me than (clinging to incompatible, "cheated on me before" lady.)

I think you deserve respect -- from you and others. I hope you think so too.

I think you deserve a better quality partner. I hope you do too.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-29-2013 at 04:16 PM.
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