One of my partners has a long-distance mono girlfriend who got brought into the poly situation against her will. They dated on and off before he met me, then he decided to be poly, and he would have dumped her if she didn't allow it.
Correction -- he could dump her any time. He just doesn't, and blameshifts. He's being mean in not being firm about ending it because they are not compatible. He's stringing her along for whatever reason.
That she herself is allowing herself to be strung along right now is another story. Perhaps she's still grieving and not at "final acceptance" yet. Who knows?
- Actively pursuing "polyshipping" while his partner is not ready/willing/able?
- "Do this or else I'm abandoning you" talk? (And not just talk but telling YOU he does this to her?)
- Plunging on for his jollies at her expense?
Ew! Be kinder to end it with her and come to polyshipping on a clean slate. His behavior toward her is less than stellar here.
He keeps you in the dark about her existing for months? That's not honest, open polyshipping.
His behavior toward you is less than stellar sounding also.
He keeps saying that she's getting better and coming to terms with it, but my gut tells me otherwise.
And you have directly observed this for yourself? Or do you receive all info about her THROUGH HIM where he can "whitewash" it?
Does he tells you whatever just to get you to stay? At the expense of his other partner's well being? This is stellar behavior toward you OR her HOW?
I'd walk away from these "messy" people. Listen to your gut!
Now he keeps talking about marrying her and having kids with her while still seeing me/being poly. How can that possibly be a good idea? I've told him that I think he should either stop being poly and give her what she needs or end it with her before she gets hurt any more,
You seem to see she is hurting. When you choose to continue participating in polyshipping with this man, are you ADDING to her hurt or TAKING AWAY from her hurt?
You could end it with him. You could give you
what you might need -- Freedom from brewing dramafest type polyshipping. Even if you don't care at this time what's going on with her, you could care what is going on with YOU. This partner doesn't sound fun for your mental/emotional health. Does staying here ADD to your life enjoyment or TAKE AWAY from your life enjoyment?
There's 2 kinds of freedom -- freedom TO do something, and freedom FROM something.
Again... could listen to your gut. It's telling you something.